This has been an extraordinary Christmas for me simply because of the Jeep. I find myself thinking I will need to take it back to whomever it belongs to any minute now. It doesn’t seem real that it is mine to keep. I still can’t believe he bought me such an extraordinary gift. Sorry my mind still doesn’t wrap around the California Dream living in the shadow of the mountain in the photo. She is real and yet elusive in my comprehension.
As I was sitting here pondering what to write about, I was looking at the Christmas tree. I plugged in the lights again. I love colored lights on the tree. I miss the adjustable twinkle lights we used to have. I could turn the dial to the perfect speed to set a tranquil mood in the darkened living room. I would sit and drink my coffee with just the tree lights sparkling to illuminate the room.
I will probably take it down this evening or tomorrow rather than leave it up through New Year’s Day. The thought makes me feel sad, as usual. The feeling seems amplified because of the feelings about the Jeep being temporarily at my disposal. If I take the tree down, Christmas is really over. And I will wake up and the Jeep will be gone, too.
Craziness of my thoughts. My mind argues with my heart.
I am already looking into the next year. I have a line-up of projects to do. I have the materials to do all of them, too. Just need time and focus to get them done. Time is not so much of an issue as focus. I piddle around, stalling. Stalling because the creative endeavor might not turn out the way I had hoped. Or maybe I won’t be able to work it out technically. Will I have the skills needed to turn the idea into a successfully completed project?
I am such a sporadic “crafter” I don’t have a depth of skills. I have hit a lick at this and a lick at that. Never really committing to one thing or another. I don’t seem able to get too involved in something. I tell myself it is because the something isn’t Something. That I am not really all that interested in it. I’m not sure what is the underlying issue. Maybe the shadow of my father’s illness? Fear I will get too involved and go over the edge. Maybe some notion that the only thing I should be really interested in is evangelizing lost people and anything that takes from that energy and focus is sinful. Concerned that I will get lost in the “flow” of creativity and lose track of time and not have supper ready or my chores done and he will be put out or inconvenienced because of it.
Maybe all of the above. There is a song on the radio: “you keep a slip knot in the strings you attach”. Yes. I do. I don’t maintain long term relationships beyond my family. I keep to myself most of the time. Oh, I yak and laugh with co-workers at the 9-5 and with fellow members at church. But, I have difficulty socializing outside those arenas. The friends we’ve had over the years have, like us, moved along in life phases and most have moved geographically, as well. The ones nearby are busy with other things. No one has the energy to take time to be together anymore.
One of my hopes for the New Year is to re-learn how to “visit”. To drop by a friend’s house to chat. To call someone up on the phone to trade gripes about some trivial nothing that happened to us. To ride to town and go “fumbling”. That is what my grandmother called what might be translated as window shopping or browsing. All we would end up buying is a cold coke to drink on the way home.
Another Christmas passes into memory. Another year passes along right behind it. I feel like Bilbo when he said, “I want to see mountains, again”. The “mountains” I want to see again are friends. I want to see my friends, again, and see them often and casually. Without all the planning and strategizing it seems to take these days. It feels like a mountain of a wish. If it plays out, it will bring a mountain of memories.
Next Christmas with two Dreams in the world………………….
Come on New Year. Bring with you more time with certain little Dream girls. Bring with you more time with friends. Bring with you mountains of memories and tie my strings into knots.