Last evening, a phone call with devastating news nearly took me down. Without discussing private family business, let me say, we will get through this together.
The journey will be difficult and tragic. The outcome will not be joyful. But, we will get through it together.
We have weathered severe circumstances before and come out the other side damaged but afloat. We will do so again.
He called me several times today. My Monday morning at the 9-5 was spent battling a weak computer and a new payroll system. Tears of frustration and tears of panicked grief from the news of the phone call last night alternated for a few hours. Finally, I got my feet under me. A large part of my recovery was because he called. He called again. And again, he called.
I realized the reason later as I sat in my car for my lunch break, breathing in fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin. So many times over our many years together, he has seen me crater. He has seen me fall apart at the seams. He has seen me implode.
Sometimes the process is slow and not so noticeable. But, in recent years, he has figured out how to handle me. He has figured out what to do and what to say to keep me from going under with the weight of grief. Goodness knows we have had our share. During one call he simple told me that I can’t stop what is happening. There is no purpose in letting myself fall. I said I have to feel the pain. He said yes, but I don’t have to get lost in it. Not in those exact words. But that was the message.
Such is the risk of love. When the heart is allowed to love another and that other is in peril, the heart breaks. But, the mind and the spirit does not have to break along with it. A peaceful mind and a brave spirit will pull the broken heart up and lay it in the Light of the Son for His Healing. Time is a joker. Only Love truly heals.
He and I walked down to see the muddy water boiling through the gates from the lake into the flooding river bed.
This gushing torrent is pouring from the same serene lake whose lovely face I have shared previously. She is overloaded with rain and bursting at the seams. Not her normal self.
I know how she feels. I have a torrent of thoughts flooding my mind. I recently filled one of my paper journals and switched to a fresh one. I keep hauling around the old one. I have been back through it several times trying to figure out what I am afraid to discard or shelve. Finally, yesterday, while again going over the pages, I realized the whispers of the bigger story I want to tell is started there.
I shared with my friend today my idea of what I want to tell. She had asked me if I have taken classes or is my writing a gift. I don’t know about it being a gift, but, no I haven’t taken writing classes. I haven’t even read many books on the prescribed reading lists from high school or college. I simply write. I have written forever. When the prescribed writing of school days ended, the pen of teenage passion waned, and my babies were big enough to play without constant surveillance, I began journaling. From the first time I heard about the concept of blogging, I wanted to try it.
I always wanted to be like John Boy Walton and write stories. I never felt I had a story to write. I still don’t have a fiction story to write. My cousin encourages me to write the book. I want to tell my story. Every woman’s story. Wish me courage. Wish me discipline. Wish me strength.
I fear letting the story come forth, I will become like this raging river boiling from the depths of the lake. Churning out of control and spilling forth over the banks meant to contain me. The banks of calm rationality I try so hard to maintain. But, dear reader, you know I despise fear. Here is a fear I must overcome and free myself. He will hold on to me when I start to go under. He will not let me be pushed to the bottom of the churning turmoil of emotional energy. He will lift me up to Him in his prayers and we will ride out another flood of life together.
The weekend was well spent. A major chore was completed. I had snuggle time with my great nieces. I took some time with him. I got to walk in the woods soaking up fresh air and sunshine, listening to birdsong.
On the walk, I constantly noticed the violets. Some were blooming and some were just sprouting out of the leaf litter on the forest floor. I always think of my mother when I see them. She would love to ride up to the park to see if the one particular section was full of blooms.
The birds have been filling my ears and heart with joyful sound. I sometimes wish I didn’t have a cat so I could put out bird feeders near the house and watch them come and go.
Everything is springing to life. It is just coming awake from its slumbering winter. Time for me to do the same. Shake off the slumber of the recent days and spring to life. Push through the debris of things and spring to a fresh outlook.
The air has changed. Even if we have more cold temperatures, spring is upon us. Green buds peek from tips of limbs. Weeds are more than ankle deep. Bird songs have changed. He heard geese traveling north the other evening.
I am restless with the changing season. Wanting a change. Not knowing what to change. I am ready to get my plants off the porch. Ready to rearrange the furniture for the changing light. The daybed is in one corner for winter sun and will be moved to another corner for summer shade.
The azaleas should be in bloom within a week. Already the redbuds bring vibrant hope. I love every season in its turn. I celebrate the fading of one and the coming of another.
The transitions remind me of the ever-turning pages of time. I am reminded to seize this moment and be joyous at the life pulsing through my veins.
The difficulties we face today will be overcome and become distant memories. I know this because it has happened before. We have faced difficulties and with His Help, we have overcome them in the past. There are some things that happen which must be endured until the end of life. Most things pass.
Challenges are to be faced. I may have moments of weakness and feel overwhelmed with fear. But, I must not give in to the fear. I must stand and face the lions in the den. Fear leads to confusion and poor or delayed decisions. Fear leads to despair. Fear leads to bitterness and anger.
I watched a movie once. I have it on DVD. I cannot bear to watch it again. I love it, but it is emotionally taxing. What I learned from the movie is simply to feel the cold and not fear it. Feel the pain. Feel the heartbreak. Feel the feelings. Do not fear them. I don’t know if I would see all of that if I watched it again. I doubt anyone else would find that message in the movie 300.
It corresponds with my Grandmother telling me about childbirth to let go and let it hurt. I had both of my children without pain medication. It was not easy to let go and let it hurt. But, it was worth it.
The current challenges I face will pass. I have a choice. I can face them with good humor and a smile or I can make myself miserable along with everyone around me. No matter the outcome of the situation, I have a choice about what I think and what I allow myself to feel.
I want to get through this happy and laughing at the moments that exist between the battles. I want to be able to focus on the battles when they are before me and leave them on the field when the time for rest comes. I do not want to be covered with the smell of fear. I hate feeling fear more than just about anything.
I will be strong for him. I will be faithful for Him. I will not fear. I have my sanity and His Salvation. And a thousand other blessings………………………………..
Sometimes writing this feels like the man in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial. “Time to make the donuts…” as he drags out of bed well before the rest of the world of is awake.
I pull up my word document and begin typing. I don’t know what will come out or where it will go. That is the interesting part. What am I thinking today? What am I feeling? The posts are definitely of the moment. If I am having a bad time of it at the moment, the post is sad. If I am having a good time of it at the moment, the post is happy.
I am feeling simply quiet. Today was a holiday for me from work. Texas Independence Day. I have spent the weekend moving forward. Friday, I picked up some novels at the used book store, a couple of movies on DVD at buy one get one free. I replaced the quilts on our bed with new ones. I read one of the books on Saturday. We visited a new church on Sunday. My wash is done up. I have a menu plan working for the week. My clothes outfits are planned for the work week. The house is tidy. Supper is cooked. Dishes pending.
I would say I have had an orchid kind of weekend. Not every weekend is full of outings and people. I am very pleased with the things I have accomplished. No. I did not get it all done. There are still some things I have not completed. But, I feel rested and content. Isn’t that a good thing for the end of a weekend?
I have made some plans to maintain forward motion. I love to make lists. I have made yet another list of simple things to remember to do when I am not moving forward. Things like: assemble the next meal’s ingredients, lay out my clothes for the next day, read a book. My 9 to 5 has enough challenge and stress. I need simple things at home.
I hope starting March this way sets a pattern for the month. I need space to rest and turn off my whirlwind thoughts. I had a restful time. The plan is to have a productive week at work and at home. And naturally there is a plan B, C and D. Not really. I just try to remain flexible and adjust as the days flow.
I continue to work on ways to better care for him. He is my priority. It may not seem like it sometimes. I try to look put together for him. I try to cook better for him. I try to keep up with my chores for him. Clean clothes, clean dishes, a tidy home, groceries bought, meals cooked. Yes. It is old-fashioned. But, I have the time, talent, knowledge, and the heart’s desire to do it. I do it for me as well. But, I do it differently because of him. I can’t quite explain how it is different than if it was just for me. But it is. Simply because I love him with all my heart. I want him to have a long, happy, healthy life. I will continue to do whatever I can to contribute to that life.