I had a visit with my aunts yesterday. My mind is flooded with memories. I don’t have clear 8mm movie memories. I have Polariod memories. Fuzzy snapshots of moments in time. I am sitting in the back yard of the house I grew up in. It was a field of corn plowed by my Daddy once upon a time.
I asked again about the table. My grandmother, Arie Eola Brown Hamm, had my grandfather, Charley Richard Hamm, build her a table large enough so that even me and John Bullet could sit with the family for dinner.
She loved for everyone to dress up for Christmas dinner. I have a photo of my gorgeous father in a suit and tie for one Christmas. How beautiful life was then.
My mother recounted a note that Granny Arie was disappointed when Mother gave Daddy work clothes for Christmas instead of dress clothes. Perhaps that is the complete synopsis of my completely ambiguous mind.
My beloved LuLu and I are planning on a 20/20 Vision for 2020.
I know what dreams Rock and I are having. We have a vision for the future. We are ready to step out into a new life together. He will understand when he reads this. My focus and understanding of a particular part of my “style” has become clear only after our new dream appeared. And that new dream only appeared when I surrendered. To Him, to Rock, and to the Future. And also surrendered the past.
Mama isn’t ever coming home. I can stop waiting for her to return.
**wrote the above a while back. Don’t know why I didn’t post it.
But, today, I cried. After all this time, LuLu and I got around to a conversation that revealed she knew my Mama from working at the hospital. This conversation came about in a winding way as conversations do between two women who love each other like we do. She is my sister. In spirit rather than flesh. May I say amid all the current conflict that our skin tones are different and we have never cared one whit about the difference. But, I cried today just discovering that my sister knew my Mother. So, Mama does still come home sometimes.
I have Friday off from work. And nothing scheduled Saturday. Two days. I am working out things to have both days to devote to home keeping. Not housework. That should be completed by Thursday’s bedtime. The activity to which I am referring is more like making things pretty.
I have several projects lined up to create ornamental objects for the house. One is actually for Christmas decorating. I won’t reveal that at this time. I will have to see how it turns out before I publish it. A long while back I purchased some very large framed oil paintings super cheap from the thrift store. The subject matter is not why I bought them. I wanted the frames and the large sized canvases. I intend to gesso over them and put my own creations in place. I have no thought to do a painting. But, I do have an idea with which I want to experiment.
The weather is predicted to be pleasant enough to work outside. I hope to do a lot of catching up on the yard work. Every area is behind on care. I have good layer of pine straw in the front yard. I want to clean the azalea bed and mulch with the fresh straw. The purple jew is overflowing its area and I want to move it to a better spot. Weeds, weeds, weeds. I don’t even want to think about that topic right now. Yard work is excellent therapy for the mind and soul.
Part of my working out being able to stay home the two days was seeing someone this evening. Someone I love is in the hospital. I needed to see her tonight so I could have my two days without fretting about her. She seems a little improved. I told her I was coming. She said I didn’t need to go all that way. I told her I was coming anyway and could I bring her anything. A coke from Sonic.
I hope my coming helped her. It helped me. I recently saw a meme that reads: Find your tribe. Love them hard. I am defining my tribe. Redefining, I suppose. I want her to be part of it. So I needed to do something to connect. She always reminds us that we are strong women from a long line of strong women. She has to be the strongest of us, though. Frail, delicate, brave, and tougher than old shoe leather.
I appreciate him for supporting my going. I appreciate how much he supports me in so many ways for so many things. I appreciate his never giving up on his crazy wife. My half-baked ideas and goofy schemes make him shake his head.
The walking is going well. I have been getting some photographs along the way. There is so much to see and things change constantly. Leaves turning, flowers, the sky, the light on the water. Then, there are the trees themselves. So beautiful and so often overlooked. Seen as window dressing rather than a focal point. A frame around the view. But, I love the trees. See…….black lace.