The past few days I have been recalling things from the past. In this battened down world we live in, all climate controlled interiors and automobiles. So much concern over every thing under the sun.
It rained some this week. Not so unusual. Except I never smelled it. Once upon a time, I would smell the rain before it arrived. We lived with open windows and screen doors that were latched at night only to keep the coons out. The wooden door stayed open. When a rain shower or storm was approaching, we could hear the thunder and smell the rain coming, I miss that.
This evening, I determined to sit outside as long as the mosquitoes would allow. As the evening faded to dusk, bright thunderheads billowed above darker clouds to the east. A rumble of thunder sounded. It didn’t come close enough to smell it.
I could hear the shrieks of children playing in the neighborhood. That used to be us in this very place.
The cicadas and crickets and frogs sang a deafening chorus. Shadows darkened. The evening sky was still pale. A dark flicker appeared. Bats! A couple of bats danced across the sky.
A made my way into the house reluctantly. Wanting to stay out in the coming darkness. Needing to come in and get ready for bed. I wanted to check on him, too.
He works painfully long hours. His day job and then the cows, along with all the other chores that living requires, makes for one tired fella.
I’m not much of a cow dog for him, but I get out there and try to move the way he says. We started the morning doing just that. They all loaded right up for a trip to the vet for shots. Lucky me!
I keep trying to find the magic in the ordinary. Most days I find one or two things. Some days, I come up blank. Some days, every thing feels magic.
Has another Christmas leaped through my life? How fast it went! I have started this year full of optimism. Unusual for me to be in this place at this time of the year. The darkness of the winter days hasn’t overtaken my mood.
Perhaps, it won’t do so at all this year. I have been resigned to coping with the low moods all my adult life. And yet there is always a part of me that believes it doesn’t have to be so. If I claim I have a choice in how I feel and how I behave, then I must believe it and so prove it to myself.
I don’t have any resolutions for this year. I have my continuing path of proving myself able to be better at each turn.
One thing I once believed has changed. I used to believe I was strong and able to withstand pain. I failed at withstanding. I became crushed in so many places. Then, I believed I could never heal. After a while, I decided I could heal, but the crushed places would ever be fragile. Time never made a difference in the process. Just lately, over the past year or two, I discovered something has been healing my broken places. Love. Just love. Several girls have come into my life over the past few years. First, my brother’s granddaughters brought a window of hope. Now, my own granddaughters have broken down walls.
I think about my own grandmothers. I remember how important they are to me even now so many years after they left this life. My aunts continue to impact my life. If I can matter to any of these girls half as much as those women matter to me, I will be loved more than I deserve.
I wonder how things will be between all these little girls as we grow to know each other. And I look so very forward to the love that grows between us.
Happy 2018! Happy Life! Happy Love!
P.S. He continues to lift me up to Him. His continued prayers for me and support of my off-beat self has no doubt had a larger impact on my current state of being than I will know in this life. My love always loves me. And besides………..he needs my love to keep him warm!