Seeing Things Differently

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I have not been seeing things correctly lately.  I am beating myself up about not doing enough creative work.  But, I have been producing.  Maybe not in volume.  But, I have done some things.

Recent accomplishments:

I potted up two sago palms and filled top of pots with marble rock.  They now enhance the front entrance to our home.

I cooked a recipe of Oriental Chicken I have had for years.  I thought it turned out great.   It tasted like I thought it would taste and I liked it.

I crocheted a stack of dish washing rags and dish drying rags for my daughter.  I am working on some for my own use.

I have posted on Raining Orchids each week and included a photograph of my own production.  Each photo I have used is one I have taken with my phone and edited with the simple program included in the camera application.

I continue to challenge myself to being as honest as I can when writing for Raining Orchids.

I continue to challenge myself to do what I need to do to be better at everything I do.

I smeared paint on paper and found some satisfaction in the exercise as well as the results.  Yes, I actually painted, again, finally.  I set up a TV tray on the porch and brought my paint box out.  An hour or so later, I put everything away.  But, I had four pieces done.  Two of them were more pleasing.  All were learning exercises.

As a result of the production, I bought some more paper and a few canvas boards.  I found it acceptable to use the temporary work station after all.  I had been resisting that idea.  A quote from a book states  something about it not being the workplace, but the desire to work that matters.

The upcoming days include plans for a trip with him.  We will be seeing dear friends.  My girls are scheduled to come see us when we return home.  I will have a couple of days off to putter around the house and garden.  I will have opportunity to cook and bake for my family.

Simple.  Beautiful.  Raining Orchids.

 

Do NOT Give Up.

That is what I keep telling myself.  Do not give up the fight or give in to the darkness.  I have intentions.  I have desires.  I have wishes.  I am trying to make myself let go of the side of the pool and swim across the deep end.

What does that involve?  Letting some things go and focusing on the main things.  Focus.  That is the struggle.  If I focus on this thing, what happens to that thing?  I care about it, too.  I like too many things.  I want too many things.

I have for years read about simplifying and de-cluttering.  I have done a ton of work doing just that.  Even to look into my closets, most would be surprised at how little I really have in them.  None of my closets are packed.  They are fairly organized and tidy.  I have spent ages eliminating all sorts of things in my life.

The problem, as I said recently, may lie in the goals.  I have too many goals.  Too many things to distract me.  How do I get to the point of letting go of ideas?  I don’t have too much trouble letting go of things.  But, letting go of creative ideas is another struggle.

Even this weekend, I found some items for a project.  Spent a whole dollar at a yard sale on them.  It will take five or ten more dollars to have supplies to do the project.  How in the world do I get around to doing it?

Basic living seems to take up all of my time and energy.  And still I have not found a spot to allow myself to actually do some messy work.  I don’t have a work space.  I will set out some things and work a few hours.  Then, other things have to be done.  The work doesn’t continue.  The mess is in the way.  Back to the bins and closets it will go.

I am at a standstill.  No progress since last week.  I don’t know what to do or how to get through this block.  The basic steps would be get off the computer.  Get out the tools and supplies for one project.  Set up on the dining table.  Sit down and work.  Whoops.  My mind just raced off to worry about not getting the project completed and having to leave the mess out for a day or two.

I do believe I am ridiculous in my way of thinking.  I do believe there is a deeper issue.  I do believe I may break through to the real issue someday.  Therein lies the fear.  What if the real issue is something I cannot deal with?  What if it is too deep and too painful to deal with?  What if I go over the edge?  Into that black chasm?

My aunt asked me what I do to overcome the depression.  Riding it out.  Knowing it will pass.  It always does.  He holds on to me until I can hold on again.  I write a lot that is never read by others.  The darkest goes into the fire.  The darkness is less dark than in years past.  I do not use medication.

I do not lose touch with reality.  I know that is the greatest fear.  I have looked insanity in the eyes and called him Daddy.  He could not be reached in that dark place.  I associate creative pursuit with an unstable mind.  If I don’t get carried away with creativity, I won’t get carried away.

Understanding this behemoth does not slay the dragon.  I have not yet found the sword that will do the task.  It takes more than identifying and understanding and defining the problem to solve it.  A plan of action, resources to implement the plan, a time line to follow for the plan are not enough either.

There is another element needed.  Courage.  Daring.  Audacity. What it is called doesn’t matter.  Guts to jump off the high dive.  Guts to jump off the river bank.  What is the worst thing that could happen?  Yes, all of those things.  Look them in the eye and jump.  Plunge into the icy cold unknown.  Someone is waiting to reach out and pull me back in if the struggle is too much.  He has been doing so for more than thirty years.  When I am in too deep, he calls upon his Friend to help.

Maybe this week, I will have the audacity…………………….

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Trouble in Paradise

I am having a pity party.  I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve.  Things get better then fall apart again.  I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work.  I am feeling a mild panic at my age.  Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.

I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled.  Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help.  But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days.  And I am the only one who can deal with them.

I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues.  Intense illness or personal tragedy.  I have been through personal tragedy.  I pray I am mostly done with that.  I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside.  My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering.  Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.

Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside.  I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression.  Then, there are my feet.  My painfully damaged feet.  Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity.  Pain that interferes with sleep.

Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party.  So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life.  Safe from harm.  Home and pantry loaded with luxury.  Loved ones doing mostly okay.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is not so good.  My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear.  Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.

My health issues will improve.  My creative work is moving.  Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet.  The gardening is coming along.  I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend.  Sago palms sit in pots at the front door.  The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved.  I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store.  I did do some crochet and embroidery work.  I spent some time visiting with my cousin.  The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.

Yes, my life is beautifully simple.  Sometimes, too simple.  It is my life.  And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time.  And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time.  The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary.  Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds.  Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle.  Most days, things are somewhere in between.  Higher rather than lower.  Temporary.  Things change.  That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today.  No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change.  He and he love me.  And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back.  Orchids enough for today.

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Generations

I had a wonderful time snuggling my great niece this past weekend. She is five and a half months old and starting to roll over. She is the happiest baby! My older great niece actually talked to me and seems to be getting accustomed to me. She will be four this fall. I wasn’t around her much earlier on due to various circumstances in my life. They live a two hour drive away. I spend the night when I go.
I have enjoyed getting to know my niece as an adult. I was her shadow the first couple of years of her life. I was in high school when she was born. The first of her generation in our family. There is a photo I took of her at about age two on her icebox put there by her husband. Her oldest daughter looks exactly like her except for the hair color. I told my niece how proud of her I am. She is honest, realistic and direct about her opinions and feelings. I decided later she got that from her maternal grandmother. We wondered together where she got it. Finally, it dawned on me!
Later during the weekend, I had time with my own angel baby. She may be all grown up and taking care of me now, but she is still my baby. She helped me get a load of festive flip-flops on sale and went with me to see our dear friend for her birthday. I am humbled by the blessing of my daughter.
Our friend’s sweet hubby had cooked ribs and such for supper. We crashed the family party and ate supper. A moment in time to remind my friend that I love her and to remember that she loves me.
Had to run as soon as we ate to get home to see this man of mine. I missed him. Kissed him bye Friday morning and didn’t get home till after nine Saturday evening. Even when we aren’t in the same part of the house, just knowing he is close by keeps me from feeling lost and alone.
I spent Sunday camping under the gazebo our son and his bride left behind. Books, music, crochet, writing tablet, journal, cookbooks. Hours and hours sitting and thinking and reading and planning and writing and scheming.
I am saving up time to fly to Maui to see my other blessings: my son and his bride. So, I haven’t had my week off for vacation this summer. I will be off a few days later this month for the longhorn sale. But, I am missing my mid-summer regrouping time. Time to putter around the house and reconfigure things. But, I am cooking up a plan……………if it works out………the results will most likely be published.
Trying to keep connected to the generations of my family. I confess I have neglected the upper generations. I must try to rectify that situation. My aunts need to be on my list of visits, too.
But, the hardest part is leaving him. Even for a little while. Even to go see very dear loved ones. My heart is bound up with him. I sound like a silly school girl in love. I still get nervous and giddy waiting to see him. He is my best connection. The one that keeps me grounded, yet soaring above the clouds.