Love

Tractor

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I always tease him that he only does the yard work that can be done on a tractor or riding lawn mower. And sometimes will run the chainsaw. But he is very good with that tractor. A friend observed him moving a large tree that had been cut down. He used the hay spear and our friend described the scene as his using the spear like a pair of tweezers precisely placing the log where he wanted it on the big fire pile we had blazing.

The other day he was working on cleaning up the cow pen. There were several mounds of hay and manure accumulated from a couple of winters’ feedings. He used the front end loader to smooth the ground level. He needed to get next to the fence posts. I was perched up on the hay bales right next to the fence posts. I watched him ease that blade within an inch of the post and carefully drag the muck clear without touching the post.

I’ve seen him, helped him really, use that tractor to move deer stands through obstacle courses through the woods and up and down hills and ravines. He raises the front end loader up to the side of the stand and straps the stand to the bucket. Then he lifts the whole thing intact and drives along with it bobbing out in front of him. He dodges trees and ruts and whatever to get to his new spot picked out.

Recently he got off in a bad place that didn’t have a bottom to it. Sunk her deep in a boggy spot. Our son came to help and the two of them worked out a system using two heavy duty pickup trucks, a pine tree, a pulley, and a lot of rope and chain. They got it out of course and I don’t think either of them minded the task. They were laughing and joking and slinging a lot of mud!

I’ve ridden many an hour tucked up next to his seat. All kinds of weather. Doing all kinds of jobs. I haven’t been up there in recent years. Maybe I should go with him next time he loads her up for the deer lease. My bones screech at the thought, but my heart says yes, load up.

Reckless Abandon

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A few years ago, I painted the ice box and upright deep freezer fronts with chalkboard paint.  I had written some words and phrases on the ice box with chalk markers and later when I washed them off, they left traces of the lines.  My older duchess was here recently and wanted to draw with the chalk. I gave her the little container of chalk and went on with the dish washing.  I looked around a few minutes later and she had drawn a cloud and a rainbow.  Then she had traced over the letters she could still see faintly showing.  “Love with reckless abandon” and the heart outline I had washed off for them to be able to use it for their play had been retraced. 

She wanted to know what it said. (She’s four.)  I told her and then she wanted to know what it meant. 

I tried to explain. 

Later, I thought about loving with reckless abandon.  To me, it is how it felt when I was her age and even until I was about ten.  When I loved, it was without reservation.  It was without condition or hesitation or fear of rejection or concern about reciprocation.  Love just was and everyone felt it as intensely as I did.  Or so I thought. I am speaking of more than romantic love.  I am also speaking of love between two individuals as friends or family members.  I was in my twenties before I truly realized that the experience of love I have is not universal.  I was so terribly naïve.  I thought love could work itself through anything.  It cannot work one way, though. 

As we age, cynicism tends to set in.  Or simply protective layers develop without our realizing.  Many people never learn how to love.  Some only love themselves.  Many people never feel the exuberance of real, deep, true love.  As I age, I think “many” should probably read “most”.  Perhaps early on they had it, but life was too painful to continue to try to sustain the seeking of reciprocation.  The heart and mind push away the painful memory and they forget it exists.  

Maybe that is why grandchildren are so important to our hearts.  When we are young and our children are young, there is a feeling of safety with the love between us.  The knowing that at the end of the day, the snuggles and hugs are without reservation.  The love in our hearts has a reckless abandon that only confidence of unconditional reciprocation brings. That same feeling returned with the duchesses’ arrival into the world. 

Love, passion, anger.  Strong emotions we are taught to control and suppress.  They are reckless.  They are dangerous.  They bring with them pain.  Pain is proof of being alive.  I continue to strive for the fullness of exuberance and love.  May I have the courage to face the pain of it all and love with reckless abandon.  As I age, I want the scales of protection to fall away.  I want the tender places to be open again.  With maturity, I hope to manage the pain with grace and mercy and not with closing off. 

I want to love Him and him with reckless abandon and exuberance and passion.  I want to grow into the person the Lord wants me to be.  I want to grow into the woman my husband needs me to be. I want to grow into the mother and grandmother my children need as the years continue.  We still have a lot of living to do and I want it to be as wonderful as the first 37 years.  Even better. Happy Anniversary, Rock.  I love you! Recklessly.