My 9 to 5 has been giving me some lessons the past few weeks. Not bad things, just reminders. A few months ago I was again moved into a certain position that I generally try to escape as soon as possible. I have made up my mind I want to stay in it, if allowed, for the next three years until I retire. The lessons relate to my maintaining detachment. I always fuss at my co-worker friends about letting others elicit an emotional response from them. My line is “if you are having an emotional response, either positive or negative, you have lost your professionalism”. The business I am in requires such behavior. It is far too dangerous otherwise. I let more than one someone get me agitated when I should not have let it bother me.
Another recent lesson I have experienced (but not fully learned) is to just keep at it. I have started walking again. It is still hot and the bugs are still buzzing and I can’t get to it as many days as I would like. But, I am going to keep at it. It matters to me to do it. It makes me feel better to walk through stress from the day and work out my sciatic nerve pain. Better sleep is a major bonus, too.
I am keeping at my house. I got some chores caught up. Still have more to do. I want to get some extra stuff out of here. My dilemma comes with our daughter’s profession. As a second year theater teacher, her prop room needs development. I have some things for the prop room stacked up ready to deliver. But, she lives an hour and a half away. So, I just keep piling and moving the piles. I will keep at it until I get things delivered to her.
This past weekend, we were blessed to participate in the Beth Moore simulcast at our church. I read her latest book, Audacious, last month. I am reminded again to keep at developing my relationship with Him. I am not a holy roller at all. I deeply love Christ. I am a born-again believer. But, I am a work in progress. I can’t imagine how bad I would be if not for the tempering of the Holy Spirit. I am pretty rough even with His influence. It’s not about me, though. It is about Him and His love for me. It is about Him using me to love others for Him when they can’t see Him. I wish I was better at it. I wish I wasn’t so easily agitated by some things.
I have a few other lessons I am trying to teach myself. I hope he can be patient with me while I work out some more of them. Most of the time he notices without comment. I have to be careful to not take the lack of comments as disapproval. Sometimes he does comment. I have to be careful to not take the input of comments as disapproval. He is the one with whom I always want to have a positive emotional reaction. But, I am shy when it comes to him. I am still afraid of disappointing him. That seems silly considering how many years we have been married and how well he knows me.
I will keep at it. Learning and growing and maturing. Like our bull pines, I will have to weather more storms and drop limbs from time to time. Living and thriving means I will need to keep at my lessons. Some I will learn the first time through. Others will take many tries to learn. Still others will require I keep at it till He calls me home.
Once upon a time, you could eat off my floors. Ceiling fans to baseboards, pantries and potties. All were kept immaculately clean and tidy. Even when I started working at the school, I had enough time and energy to keep up with things.
Between working a full-time 9-5 and reaching my 50s, I don’t keep up so well. We discussed the possibility of hiring some help for me. At least someone to do the ceiling fans and floors. I’m not sure how our puppy dog would feel about someone being in the house with us not here. So, that is on the back burner for now.
One thing I have noticed. The messes don’t bother me as much as they did when I was younger. I don’t think my standards have lowered. Rather, I have begun to have more compassion for myself. Historically, by this time, I would be having a nervous fit over the condition of some areas of the house. Don’t get me wrong, the house is not filthy. Things are not piled up everywhere. Still, things are not as pristine as I would like them to be.
A couple of my phrases from my life book are: über tidy and operating room clean. Some of my other catch phrases include words like immaculate and other such “perfection” words, it is easy to understand how I fall ridiculously short of my goals.
Yes, it is my intention to “put wash away warm”. My poor beloved knows how to dig socks from the hamper of clean clothes. I console myself by noting that the clothes are clean. I have heard of those having to dig in the dirty clothes for something to wear. Never at my house in all my years of housekeeping have any of them had to do that. Please forgive my boast. I need something today to reduce the level of guilt over my neglected floors and rugs.
So, my house is not looking the way I would prefer. My schedule is looking great. I have several events upcoming. Nearly every Saturday has some special something to occupy my time and energy. I will have a large quantity of memories scheduled for accumulating over the next several months. Memories with my church family, my nieces, cousins, aunts, daughter. Memories with him and our son and his bride and the Jewel of California arriving soon.
That accumulation more than offsets any anguish I might feel over the accumulation of dust bunnies in the corners. Über festive, immaculately pleasant, are those good phrases? Maybe I will adopt those to replace the more difficult ones.
Perfection is being in the presence of my family and friends, him, Him, and especially that Jewel on the way.
Sometimes writing this feels like the man in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial. “Time to make the donuts…” as he drags out of bed well before the rest of the world of is awake.
I pull up my word document and begin typing. I don’t know what will come out or where it will go. That is the interesting part. What am I thinking today? What am I feeling? The posts are definitely of the moment. If I am having a bad time of it at the moment, the post is sad. If I am having a good time of it at the moment, the post is happy.
I am feeling simply quiet. Today was a holiday for me from work. Texas Independence Day. I have spent the weekend moving forward. Friday, I picked up some novels at the used book store, a couple of movies on DVD at buy one get one free. I replaced the quilts on our bed with new ones. I read one of the books on Saturday. We visited a new church on Sunday. My wash is done up. I have a menu plan working for the week. My clothes outfits are planned for the work week. The house is tidy. Supper is cooked. Dishes pending.
I would say I have had an orchid kind of weekend. Not every weekend is full of outings and people. I am very pleased with the things I have accomplished. No. I did not get it all done. There are still some things I have not completed. But, I feel rested and content. Isn’t that a good thing for the end of a weekend?
I have made some plans to maintain forward motion. I love to make lists. I have made yet another list of simple things to remember to do when I am not moving forward. Things like: assemble the next meal’s ingredients, lay out my clothes for the next day, read a book. My 9 to 5 has enough challenge and stress. I need simple things at home.
I hope starting March this way sets a pattern for the month. I need space to rest and turn off my whirlwind thoughts. I had a restful time. The plan is to have a productive week at work and at home. And naturally there is a plan B, C and D. Not really. I just try to remain flexible and adjust as the days flow.
I continue to work on ways to better care for him. He is my priority. It may not seem like it sometimes. I try to look put together for him. I try to cook better for him. I try to keep up with my chores for him. Clean clothes, clean dishes, a tidy home, groceries bought, meals cooked. Yes. It is old-fashioned. But, I have the time, talent, knowledge, and the heart’s desire to do it. I do it for me as well. But, I do it differently because of him. I can’t quite explain how it is different than if it was just for me. But it is. Simply because I love him with all my heart. I want him to have a long, happy, healthy life. I will continue to do whatever I can to contribute to that life.