self-care

Some Mondays, I have trouble getting going writing. Like tonight. I think tonight has been the worst so far.

So what shall I write about? I have had to make a change to improve my health. It is a change in more than my diet. I am a coffee lover. I drink copious amounts of coffee each day. I buy decaf coffee so I can drink coffee late in the day if I want. It was killing my stomach.

Last Monday, I stopped drinking all day coffee. I have had about eight ounces of coffee each morning. But, it is a lifestyle change and a change of habit and a detox from caffeine. I have been drinking water all day now. My stomach was better the same day I stopped drinking all that coffee.

Till today……I cooked spaghetti for his supper. I ate some as well. There went my stomach again. I don’t really like spaghetti all that much, so I doubt I will miss it. But, I am not certain if it was the tomatoes, the Italian sausage or what that upset my tummy.

Nevertheless, I was aggravated about it. I had been enjoying not having all those problems this past week.

What else do I need to give up to improve my well-being? Self-criticism. I abuse myself the way I talk to myself. That voice in my head is vicious. But, I have been getting that under control, too. That shift I mentioned last week would certainly include a gentler observer voice in my mind.

I have continued to retrain my thoughts to be compassionate with my own self. I write it all out in my journal. I identify a thought or thought process and write the sequence. Then, I rewrite it like a friend talking to me. Advising me on what is true and what is assumed. Digging into the cause of the thought, rewriting scripts to give a positive outcome. I am not really sure how to describe the method. Positive imagining. Whatever it is, it has allowed me to put many dragons to death and get many more chained up.

My dragons range in size and color. Things from indecision, over-sentimentality, laziness, to severe depression and a deep sense of unworthiness, and survivor’s guilt. I am getting better able to battle them. Writing Raining Orchids is good medicine.

His letting me go to the deer stand and sit is also good medicine. Sitting in those woods, hours of solitude, pen and paper in hand. I appreciate getting to spend time in that part of his world. I appreciate his spending time, money and energy to get me in a warm, dry spot to wait and listen. I appreciate his patience with my efforts at becoming a hunter and fisherwoman. I appreciate him.

For my entire memory, I have loved tropical things. Seas, jungles, birds, fish, flowers, foods. My Granny Sally made me a “ta-ta” out of a jungle print of leaves and animals backed with brown corduroy. I still have it. It is one of my treasures.
My mother used a queen sheet to cover the opening to the living room to allow the window unit to cool that room while we watched television in the evenings. It was also an African animal jungle print. It hangs in our house a few feet from where she used it.
Banana trees and elephant ears have always been among my very favorite plants. The exotic mimosas that populate my part of Texas and bloomed at my Granny Arie’s house are dear to my heart. Rich man’s grass aka pampas grass is another favorite of mine. I am accumulating some things.
I have been working again toward a tropical garden. I am making great progress. I did not expect my dear husband to assist the way he has. He has given me generous gifts toward it. He has encouraged me and offered real labor assistance often. I am very grateful!
The palm tree he bought me years ago seems to have finally decided to put on some height. Its growth spurt has symbolic meaning for me. I am finally creeping out of my dormant state and into a new period of growth as well, it seems.
Before next week’s post, I will turn 49. Nearly half a century. I intend to live the next half a century being kinder to myself, truer to myself. Growing myself into the fullness of my being and growing my garden into the fullness of a jungle garden that lingers from the daydreams of my childhood. It is my intention.