Last evening, a phone call with devastating news nearly took me down. Without discussing private family business, let me say, we will get through this together.
The journey will be difficult and tragic. The outcome will not be joyful. But, we will get through it together.
We have weathered severe circumstances before and come out the other side damaged but afloat. We will do so again.
He called me several times today. My Monday morning at the 9-5 was spent battling a weak computer and a new payroll system. Tears of frustration and tears of panicked grief from the news of the phone call last night alternated for a few hours. Finally, I got my feet under me. A large part of my recovery was because he called. He called again. And again, he called.
I realized the reason later as I sat in my car for my lunch break, breathing in fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin. So many times over our many years together, he has seen me crater. He has seen me fall apart at the seams. He has seen me implode.
Sometimes the process is slow and not so noticeable. But, in recent years, he has figured out how to handle me. He has figured out what to do and what to say to keep me from going under with the weight of grief. Goodness knows we have had our share. During one call he simple told me that I can’t stop what is happening. There is no purpose in letting myself fall. I said I have to feel the pain. He said yes, but I don’t have to get lost in it. Not in those exact words. But that was the message.
Such is the risk of love. When the heart is allowed to love another and that other is in peril, the heart breaks. But, the mind and the spirit does not have to break along with it. A peaceful mind and a brave spirit will pull the broken heart up and lay it in the Light of the Son for His Healing. Time is a joker. Only Love truly heals.
I am having a pity party. I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve. Things get better then fall apart again. I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work. I am feeling a mild panic at my age. Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.
I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled. Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help. But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days. And I am the only one who can deal with them.
I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues. Intense illness or personal tragedy. I have been through personal tragedy. I pray I am mostly done with that. I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside. My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering. Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.
Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside. I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression. Then, there are my feet. My painfully damaged feet. Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity. Pain that interferes with sleep.
Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party. So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life. Safe from harm. Home and pantry loaded with luxury. Loved ones doing mostly okay. I have good days and bad days. Today is not so good. My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear. Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.
My health issues will improve. My creative work is moving. Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet. The gardening is coming along. I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend. Sago palms sit in pots at the front door. The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved. I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store. I did do some crochet and embroidery work. I spent some time visiting with my cousin. The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.
Yes, my life is beautifully simple. Sometimes, too simple. It is my life. And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time. And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time. The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary. Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds. Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle. Most days, things are somewhere in between. Higher rather than lower. Temporary. Things change. That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today. No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change. He and he love me. And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back. Orchids enough for today.