He has had a challenging year. At least a dozen medium to major problems have plagued us. Him, particularly. A deer hit his truck and it had to have extensive body work. A tree hit him and his tractor and the tractor had to have serious repairs. He was only slightly damaged. The children have had vehicle issues with which he assisted. He had some minor health issues to get through. He changed hunting leases. We lost a good cow. I counted one day and came up with twelve or thirteen issues. Since that time, we had a few days without power. He had to get the generator going to keep the icebox and freezer in good shape. The big trailer’s tongue broke off at the lease and he had to get it welded back together. Most recently, major plumbing problems have arisen.
If any of this is mentioned, he is instant to say: “God took care of it.” And of course, He does. There is insurance for the truck and the health problems. A generator is ours to fire up for power. There are friends to help with a place to sleep with air conditioning. Other friends to help with on-site welding. His own strength and hard work to take care of many other things.
I am grateful for the protection and provision He supplies. I am grateful for the strength of the man I married. Physical, mental and most importantly, spiritual. I see the side of him the world never encounters. I see him tired and frustrated. Wanting to just crash in his chair and zone out watching television. I see him deal with headaches and back pain and kidney stones. But, I see him get up and go to work day after day. He has almost never missed work due to illness. When he did, we likely went to the ER for something. I admire his toughness and his courage. It can make for some difficult moments for me and then protect me from difficult moments as well.
Occasionally, a tender spot will show. Usually it is associated with our beloved children or with Him. I see him tense and concentrated thinking about them. They are both married, independent, well into careers of their own. But, his attitude of protection and guidance is still as it has always been. There is a grand on the way. It will be very interesting to see him interact with the little one. I am sure I will see things unimaginable from that tough, old bull.
I try very hard to not live in a fog. I see people so caught up in their own small issues or creating their own personal drama they don’t see life hurling past at the speed of light.
I do find myself in a fog more often than I would like. I was in one this evening. I walked through the park and said my prayers. It did not help much. I got home and made a mega list. It did not help much. I started on my house work. It did not help much. He arrived home and naturally saw I was not functioning properly. He took the time to listen and to talk me out of some of my fog.
Someone I love is having a health crisis. Two loved ones actually. It would seem something like that would clear my brain. But, it makes me pause. I am reminded of my own mortality and the limits of my physical body. I am anxious to make my time count. Am I doing the right things each day? Is my life counting for something greater than my own melodrama?
Yes. I do the best I can with the tasks set before me. Whether at my 9 to 5, at home, at church, tagging along after him, participating in family events. But, still I feel I am missing something. What is causing that nagging feeling that I am missing some element in my life?
I don’t know. I am continually working on that problem. Every day some time is devoted to that very problem. It is the reason for the lists. It is the reason for the digital tape recorder I always have handy in case some thought arises while driving or when otherwise unable to write it down. It is the reason for walking as often as I can. It is the reason for this blog. It is the reason for my journal. It is the reason I go to the deer stand in the cold dark morning to sit alone in the woods.
Find and fulfil your destiny. My son and daughter seem to have worked it out. They have made their destiny. I know they aren’t continually satisfied and I know they have had heartbreaking decisions and choices to make and with which to cope. But, I believe they are mostly satisfied with the life they have and are creating for themselves. Fearless. Or at least saddling up anyway. They have taken life by the horns and made it what they want. He has blessed them with His protection and His healing and they have faith in Him.
He also has great faith. Without his faith and his prayers of faith, I would not be sane. I would have gone completely over the edge. I have been blessed because of him. He has time and again brought me out of the depth of despair with his courage and his strength. He lifts me up to Him. So many times have I let him know I was having problems at my 9 to 5 and he immediately prayed and He immediately answered, smoothing out the wrinkles in my emotions and often completely resolving the actual problems.
The fog still comes in at times. But, there is a strong light beyond burning through to reach my heart and mind. He and his Lord never give up on me. Even if I never find whatever I seek through the fog, I will always have their lights to guide me back into the clarity of love.