Author: rainingorchids65.net

Pursuit

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Sometimes I have clarity.  I clearly see my dream.  Then I look down to check the path for trip hazards and when I look back up, the dream has become shrouded again.

I will continue to seek the path to my dream.  To do otherwise is self-betrayal.  To be true to myself.  That is a big part of it.  To know myself and not compromise my own identity and values to conform or get by.

It is very hard for me.  My personality is to be pliant and submissive.  I laugh as I write that.  I haven’t always been such.  I used to argue at the drop of a hat with anyone about anything.

In trying to become the kind of wife I want to be, I have given up some things I shouldn’t have let go.  He doesn’t press for anything.  It has been my own quest to change and become the partner I believe he deserves.  But, in doing so, I have retreated too far with some things.

I don’t reach for things if I am not able to get them on my own.  If I will need help, I usually simply forfeit.  I short myself when I should be letting him and others close enough to help.  I may have just hit upon the key.

Letting someone help means being vulnerable.  I have too often equated vulnerability with weakness.  I don’t think of that with others, just with myself. I measure myself with a totally different set of standards.  I love to help others.  I don’t allow myself to need help.

Perhaps for 2016, I will let go of my self-imposed restrictions and allow myself to ask for help.  Ask for support.  Let others love me.

It is the only way to fulfill my dreams. I will not be able to do what I want to do without his support and his help.  He always encourages me to take the next step.  I am the one standing on the same step day after day.

That is not entirely true.  If I look back, I see how far I have come.  And I do see the next step.  Just muster the wherewithal to climb up one more.  After I get that one done, I can work on the next.  One step.  And another after that.  The dream is there, up ahead.

I am enjoying the challenge of the climb.  That ever ascending path.  That shrouded dream.  The faith to keep on the chase.  A good way to live.  Seeking the dream and yet not losing the joy of the pursuit.  A delicate balance.  Like the blossom of the orchid.

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He Answers Prayers

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Over the past few days, I have seen Him answer prayers. Some prayers are for newly developed situations.  Some prayers have been ongoing for many months.

Our friend recently became very critical from seizures. His father and mother are longtime friends of ours.  Our children and our ill friend played together when they were youngsters.  The prognosis was many long weeks of a medically induced coma.  But, He had him sitting in the chair, talking and eating ice cream after only a couple of weeks.

A man we go to church with also had a severe seizure but was home and back at church in a week or so.

Our friend who once was also our pastor has been seeking a pulpit for months. He has been given one by Him just this week.

My beloved cousin is scheduled for surgery tomorrow. (I hope you get to read this tonight.  I love you so dearly.  I expect another answer to our prayer for you.)  Miraculous recovery time from this crisis and I am also going to seek spontaneous permanent remission.  He does that sort of thing.

I have been struggling with anxiety. In the past, my circumstances would have me succumbing to the screaming memmies.  I have several things going on right now.  Not exactly negative, but trials none the less.

I am waiting for an answer about a business matter. I am in charge of a special event at our new church, not knowing even where things are stored.  I am trying to get back in the swing of teaching a Sunday School class.  Hunting season, festival season, the holiday season are all upon us.  Then, the previously mentioned health problems of people I care about concern me greatly.  My baby niece has not been well.  A dear friend is struggling with her marriage.

But, I have been praying. And He has been working on me. I don’t usually show my stress.  Years ago, one lady was shocked and surprised to hear me speak during a ladies’ meeting about my self-esteem, anxiety and depression issues.  She had spent quite a bit of time around me and had no idea I struggled so.

It has been many years since that time. Slowly but surely I have been healing.  From the inside out.  Praying and working on my thought patterns and feelings. Working through grief.  Working through pain.  Working through anxiety.  Praying for answers.  Praying for focus.  Praying for Him to heal people I care about.

Who can know what He is going to do? Why He allows certain things to happen?  Why He lets some things continue and some things end?  One thing is certain.  Most of the prayers I pray are for immediate things of this earth.  However He answers them, I rest in His assurance of my final healing, my final peace.  Complete in Christ.  Doesn’t get any better than that this side of the gates.

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