Time On My Hands

This past weekend, I had time on my hands. I spent most of Saturday sitting in a deer stand and part of Sunday afternoon, too.

It was raining Saturday. The woods in the rain are lovely to experience.  The rush and patter of the rain.  The whoosh of the wind.  The dance of the trees and swirling of light over raindrops.  The noisy quiet of nature.

I spent time trying to focus the vision. I know one thing for certain.  I am a home keeper at heart.  Everything seems to come back to home.  I love to travel.  But home is my vocation.  I expend a great deal of energy and thought on my home.  Trying to figure out how to make it better.  How to make it stay cleaner.  How to make it more comfortable and user friendly.  How to make it kid-friendly, both crawler size kids and grown, married size kids.

If I move this over there and rearrange this closet. If I get rid of this and try to find something like that?  So it goes with me.  Drives him crazy.  I don’t mean to make him nuts with all my moving and changing.  Sometimes I get things situated and think it will work and it doesn’t.  Or something changes.  Or it doesn’t fit the way I thought it would.

I do the same in my deer stand. I have three chairs in each of my stands.  Each chair serves a different purpose.  It took me a bit to work out the best arrangement. I like to be comfortable.  It is a long time sitting.

But the reward of the confined space in the open woods is great.  I have to sit still and let my mind be my occupation.  I take my journal and write page after page of gibberish.  But, amid all the static, I hear that voice telling me this is the way.  I see the light for the next step.  The fog clears from the vision for a moment and I have a chance to make a note on my pages before it is shrouded again.  But, this time I am not in despair.  I have captured a glimpse of the vision on paper.  I have words I can refer to when I get unsure again of the next step.

Take the broom and sweep. Put away the paraphernalia let over from the past days’ adventures.  Clean the fish tank.  Pull a few weeds.  Cook a good pot of tortilla soup.  Get the coffee pot ready for the morning.  Figure out what tomorrow’s chores will be. Decide what closet needs attention.  Another page in my life has been written.  Today was a good one.  A good one preceded by good ones.

I just realized I am doing what my mother and her mother always did.  My mother’s sisters do the same thing, too.  That constant moving and rearranging in our homes.  And so the family connection flows.

I love hunting season. One of the main reasons is the time to unravel my mind.  And let Him show me wonders of his world.  And have time with him adventuring in the mud and rain.

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Pursuit

Sometimes I have clarity.  I clearly see my dream.  Then I look down to check the path for trip hazards and when I look back up, the dream has become shrouded again.

I will continue to seek the path to my dream.  To do otherwise is self-betrayal.  To be true to myself.  That is a big part of it.  To know myself and not compromise my own identity and values to conform or get by.

It is very hard for me.  My personality is to be pliant and submissive.  I laugh as I write that.  I haven’t always been such.  I used to argue at the drop of a hat with anyone about anything.

In trying to become the kind of wife I want to be, I have given up some things I shouldn’t have let go.  He doesn’t press for anything.  It has been my own quest to change and become the partner I believe he deserves.  But, in doing so, I have retreated too far with some things.

I don’t reach for things if I am not able to get them on my own.  If I will need help, I usually simply forfeit.  I short myself when I should be letting him and others close enough to help.  I may have just hit upon the key.

Letting someone help means being vulnerable.  I have too often equated vulnerability with weakness.  I don’t think of that with others, just with myself. I measure myself with a totally different set of standards.  I love to help others.  I don’t allow myself to need help.

Perhaps for 2016, I will let go of my self-imposed restrictions and allow myself to ask for help.  Ask for support.  Let others love me.

It is the only way to fulfill my dreams. I will not be able to do what I want to do without his support and his help.  He always encourages me to take the next step.  I am the one standing on the same step day after day.

That is not entirely true.  If I look back, I see how far I have come.  And I do see the next step.  Just muster the wherewithal to climb up one more.  After I get that one done, I can work on the next.  One step.  And another after that.  The dream is there, up ahead.

I am enjoying the challenge of the climb.  That ever ascending path.  That shrouded dream.  The faith to keep on the chase.  A good way to live.  Seeking the dream and yet not losing the joy of the pursuit.  A delicate balance.  Like the blossom of the orchid.

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A Creative Tool

I don’t know who loves Pinterest more, my niece, my daughter, or me. I have regular boards, secret boards, shared private boards. I am bad about deleting entire boards, deleting pins from boards, resorting boards.

I used to collect images and articles from magazines and do the same thing. I still have to have a paper magazine at times. I just like magazines. But, I really like Pinterest.

My daughter and I use it instead of “googling” for information.

It has been a great resource of inspiration for me to make some changes. I have gone through a long process of evaluating, emulating and evaluating again. I am at a place in my process of questioning goals.

There are some goals I want to keep. But, there are many more I want to let go. Am I coming of age again? Is this what I wanted for turning 50? I think so. I feel liberated somehow. I feel validated.

I am fifty years old. Our children are grown and after Saturday, both will be married. He and I have been married over thirty one years. We have no elders to care for anymore. I am only a few years away from a full retirement (God willing.) I only have a few things on a “bucket list”. At least half are travel destinations.

I find myself using Pinterest to attempt to define and clarify my goals and ambitions. To develop my bucket list. To dream about things to come.

My niece says my pins indicate I live in a cluttered house! I am always pinning “get rid of clutter” pins. I actually have very little clutter. But, I am trying to figure out how little I can live with and feel comfortable. I am trying to learn how to not buy things just to buy things. I am trying to learn how to let go of things I have bought that don’t work for me.   I am trying to refine my ideas and dreams.

That leads to creating a new board, sorting pins. Repinning to the new board and then deleting the old board. So I like to warn those who follow my boards. You better repin anything you like on my boards. If you look for it later, it might not be there!

I need to wrap this up. I have a few minutes before lights out to surf Pinterest! Happy Pinning, my friends!

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