hope

The Battle

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I intended for this venue to be light and lovely. Mostly photos of the pretty things surrounding me along with some verses and sentiments that flow around in my thoughts. Maybe what I am writing is too sad or too personal or too revealing.
The beauty of my simple life is that I have time to feel deeply and ponder long hours about those feelings. I have become very aware of the negative thoughts and behaviors that cause problems for me. I know why I feel most of them. I can identify the voice, time, place that first produced the injury to my being. Most times the voice is my own.
I have worked very hard to undo the damage I have done to myself. He is always near to help me. He supports me in ways no one can guess. He told me this evening to get busy “orchiding”! He knows how important this commitment is to me and encourages me to continue.
I am in the midst of a battle. The dragon of despair threatens to burn down the castle. I am fighting back. But, I am weakening. I cannot find a specific issue or group of issues causing this battle to be waged. I am feeling past grief pain well up in my heart. I am out of focus with my intentions. But, I am making progress.
I have completed a picture. Acrylic on canvas: Lunar Color 1 is the title. I ambitiously number it “one” because I intend to create more moon paintings. Full moons are one of my favorite things.

Why do I love the full moon?
Surrounded by darkness
Soft glowing orb
Illuminates the meadow
Deepens the shadow
Fills the night with hope
Fills my heart with courage
I will once again win the battle

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Topsy-Turvy

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Topsy-Turvy
Sometimes I still get topsy-turvy. I drop into depression. I don’t know what triggers it. I don’t know how deep it will go or how long it will stay. But, I do notice as I write this, I am referring to the depression as a separate entity. I am calling the depressed emotions “it”. This has only developed in the last couple of years. Previously, I identified myself as depressed.
A couple of things I do for myself to treat the sadness are walking and acknowledgement. Walking is easy to explain. I have a route that takes about forty-five minutes to walk. There is a spot along the way I stop to voice praises and prayers and ask questions. I spend about five minutes doing this. I don’t struggle for answers. I try to do the walk several times each week.
The second thing is acknowledgement. I see my emotional mood and my mental state. I notice how I am feeling the way I might notice the floor needs sweeping or the wash piling up. The sadness becomes a task to resolve. It (probably) is going to need doing again sometime. But, I know I can improve the issue before me now. I no longer fear that the sadness will go too deep and never go away. It has taken 30 years to learn to manage the depression. I don’t use medications or outside therapy. I rely on Him and him to watch over me.

The rain falls. I cry. I hear a faint melody.
The sun shines. I love. I see a ray of hope.
The wind blows. I breathe. I know I will have another dance.
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