Yes.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  I read many posts on Facebook.  Honoring mothers living and remembering those passed.

My own is gone.  His is gone as well.  Yes.  There are many moments I wonder how different my life would be had they still been here.  I miss them.  I love them.  I long to see them.

But, I direct my focus to my children.  To being a mother.  Both of them are amazing people.  They live incredible lives and create positive relationships with the people around them.  I am proud of them and love them more than I can sometimes contain.  So much love fills me it pours from my eyes in liquid form.

I always pushed them to never be afraid.  To be cautious and careful and sensible, but never afraid.  They are living out their dreams.  No.  Life is not perfect for any of us, but they take hold and run with the opportunities presented.

I am so very grateful for my parenting partner.  He is still my hero.  When we met, I was confused and afraid.  He fought his way through the barriers I had created around me and took hold of my heart.  I still keep barriers up around myself.  I still think I have hidden things.  But, on occasion, he makes a comment or something and I realize, he sees through the mask I wear.

He knows the hidden things.  The struggles, the disappointments, the pain.  He does not let me dwell on the negative things.  When I am “off-stage”, I tend to be depressed and discouraged.  He knows this and watches carefully to take action if I drift too close to the edge.  How many times has he pulled me back from despair that overwhelms me?

He has been father and mother to me these many years.  Poor fella!  Yes, I miss my mother.  Yes, I miss his mother.  Yes, I adore our children more than I can express.  Yes, I am grateful to Him for giving me him to be my strength, my courage, my champion, my guardian.

IMG_0179

The Battle

I intended for this venue to be light and lovely. Mostly photos of the pretty things surrounding me along with some verses and sentiments that flow around in my thoughts. Maybe what I am writing is too sad or too personal or too revealing.
The beauty of my simple life is that I have time to feel deeply and ponder long hours about those feelings. I have become very aware of the negative thoughts and behaviors that cause problems for me. I know why I feel most of them. I can identify the voice, time, place that first produced the injury to my being. Most times the voice is my own.
I have worked very hard to undo the damage I have done to myself. He is always near to help me. He supports me in ways no one can guess. He told me this evening to get busy “orchiding”! He knows how important this commitment is to me and encourages me to continue.
I am in the midst of a battle. The dragon of despair threatens to burn down the castle. I am fighting back. But, I am weakening. I cannot find a specific issue or group of issues causing this battle to be waged. I am feeling past grief pain well up in my heart. I am out of focus with my intentions. But, I am making progress.
I have completed a picture. Acrylic on canvas: Lunar Color 1 is the title. I ambitiously number it “one” because I intend to create more moon paintings. Full moons are one of my favorite things.

Why do I love the full moon?
Surrounded by darkness
Soft glowing orb
Illuminates the meadow
Deepens the shadow
Fills the night with hope
Fills my heart with courage
I will once again win the battle

IMAG0678-2