Hello again.  Here I am trying to restart.  I don’t know why I am not posting anymore.  I’m certainly not out of words.  I have dozens of hand scribbled journals to prove otherwise.  I suppose I just feel I am repeating the same things over and over.  I like to think I that even though the topics are repeating, I am spiraling up and not just spinning flat. 

Over the past three years, I should have accomplished more creatively.  I have no excuse. 

The real reason for not moving forward is fear.  Fear of failure. Fear of ridicule. Fear of success.  Fear of an empty well.  Fear of plowing headlong into the bottom of a shallow pool.  Fear of one and done.  Fear of insanity.  Fear of grief. 

What do I think I should have already done? I should have an outline or first draft of a book or three.  I should have prints of my photography ready to sell.  I should have a full book of anecdotes and associated photos compiled.  Should have. Could have. Would have. Except for fear. 

Funny thing. It isn’t the idea of strangers seeing my words and images.  It is the idea of people I know seeing them.  The acquaintances and associates who are not part of my inner circle, my tribe, my posse.  I have a very small ring of people who have seen my heart in person and not only through Raining Orchids.  It’s an odd feeling to speak to someone I really don’t know well and have them know me from this space.  It adds to the fear.  Fear of exposure.  Of overexposure.  Of being misunderstood. 

In an effort to move forward on other projects, I hope to regain my composure and meet myself here on the page every week.  Say a little prayer I will honor my heart and overcome fear.