Now What?

I did not complete the January project as planned.  No real surprise there.  How many plans actually go forward perfectly without a hitch?

So, now what?  Should I continue with the idea? Should I back up and regroup?  Should I dump the plan?

I don’t know, yet.  I don’t want to think of it right now.  Perhaps that is my answer.  Nothing right now.  Just let it go for a couple of days.  Saturday has great potential as a day to think about things.  I will have time to ponder over what I am going to do next.

I will have time to figure out “what now”.  I am a little frustrated because I want to be doing something else.  I just don’t know what the “else” is supposed to be.

If the weather permits, time outside in the sun would be a great help.  I need time to look at the trees making patterns against the sky.  I reviewed my personal photos.  I surely love trees.

My “now what?” is to stop and look around.  Look up.  Keep looking up.

One More Week

I have one more week to complete my January plan to finish it or forget it.  I need to make a good push the next couple of evenings.  I need to make sure I haven’t missed anything that I wanted to get resolved.  It is unlikely I will get everything done as intended.

Those big frames are still causing a roadblock.  I haven’t done the project I planned.  It was actually about the third plan for one of three.  I like the idea of the project.  But, I don’t want that hanging on my wall.  What was I thinking? Back to square one.

If I do what I promised myself, the frames have to leave on February 1.  This late in the evening with the week I have had, I don’t know what the outcome will be regarding this matter.

Monday, I went in to the 9-5 in tears.  We have an upcoming audit and I was certain a critical portion of documentation was missing.  He knew of my dilemma and prayed all morning for me.  That afternoon, I found the documentation in my file right where I would have looked had I not been so certain I didn’t have it.  Not only was the paperwork there, it was complete.  That is the power of a praying man.  That is the mercy of a loving Father.

This evening, while riding home from church, I told him he has a red phone directly to Him.  It’s one of those that doesn’t even have a dial.  He just picks up and it rings in Heaven and He answers.  He told me I have the same.  I told him no.  I have to dial my phone.   Someday, perhaps I will have faith as large as his. Meanwhile, I am very grateful and blessed because of his direct red phone connection to Him.

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Aggravations

Sometimes I get really aggravated. Not about anything in particular.  Just everything in general.  The garbage service didn’t pick up my trash again.  I don’t know why and he isn’t answering the phone.  The rain storm caught me by surprise today and I got damp and chilled.  I watched the weather and the storm that came was not predicted by the weather man I was watching.  My shoulder is hurting for unknown reasons.  Hurting a lot.  My honey is going to be away for a few days coming up and I am going to miss him terribly.  I still have too many unresolved projects cluttering up my house and yard and life.  I can’t find a new pair of shoes that won’t hurt my foot and will look dressy enough for my taste.

See. Nothing major.  Just a lot of little things piled up.  When I see my list of complaints in black and white, they seem even more trivial.  I have loved ones going through very serious health problems.  I have friends in various personal crises.  There are terrible things happening out in the world at large.

But, sometimes I still have to stop and acknowledge that I have aggravations piling up and getting in the way of joy and thanksgiving. Just because my problems aren’t huge and not really problems at all, I still have to deal with them.  They are like the dripping faucet.  Something that needs to be fixed.  And next week will have another round of problems to deal with.  It is called life.

The up side of things today includes the following: I have steaks marinating and potatoes baking.  Yes, for Monday supper.  I have a great porch to sit on and rest my achy body.  I had a lot of hot water to take a shower and warm up and relieve some of my shoulder ache.  My honey is home.  He is going to help with the trash problem.  I got to visit with my daughter and her feller yesterday.  We had shrimp gumbo.   I have a crochet project I am enjoying.  I have an embroidery project I am enjoying.  I have a book to read I am enjoying.  I just heard that a dear friend got a cancer free report today.

So, I will be joyful and thankful and glad with life and the blessings generously given to me. The orchids are still raining down even when I am aggravated.  All I have to do is stop grumbling long enough to notice.  Out of the darkness of my thoughts and into the light…………………

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Do NOT Give Up.

That is what I keep telling myself.  Do not give up the fight or give in to the darkness.  I have intentions.  I have desires.  I have wishes.  I am trying to make myself let go of the side of the pool and swim across the deep end.

What does that involve?  Letting some things go and focusing on the main things.  Focus.  That is the struggle.  If I focus on this thing, what happens to that thing?  I care about it, too.  I like too many things.  I want too many things.

I have for years read about simplifying and de-cluttering.  I have done a ton of work doing just that.  Even to look into my closets, most would be surprised at how little I really have in them.  None of my closets are packed.  They are fairly organized and tidy.  I have spent ages eliminating all sorts of things in my life.

The problem, as I said recently, may lie in the goals.  I have too many goals.  Too many things to distract me.  How do I get to the point of letting go of ideas?  I don’t have too much trouble letting go of things.  But, letting go of creative ideas is another struggle.

Even this weekend, I found some items for a project.  Spent a whole dollar at a yard sale on them.  It will take five or ten more dollars to have supplies to do the project.  How in the world do I get around to doing it?

Basic living seems to take up all of my time and energy.  And still I have not found a spot to allow myself to actually do some messy work.  I don’t have a work space.  I will set out some things and work a few hours.  Then, other things have to be done.  The work doesn’t continue.  The mess is in the way.  Back to the bins and closets it will go.

I am at a standstill.  No progress since last week.  I don’t know what to do or how to get through this block.  The basic steps would be get off the computer.  Get out the tools and supplies for one project.  Set up on the dining table.  Sit down and work.  Whoops.  My mind just raced off to worry about not getting the project completed and having to leave the mess out for a day or two.

I do believe I am ridiculous in my way of thinking.  I do believe there is a deeper issue.  I do believe I may break through to the real issue someday.  Therein lies the fear.  What if the real issue is something I cannot deal with?  What if it is too deep and too painful to deal with?  What if I go over the edge?  Into that black chasm?

My aunt asked me what I do to overcome the depression.  Riding it out.  Knowing it will pass.  It always does.  He holds on to me until I can hold on again.  I write a lot that is never read by others.  The darkest goes into the fire.  The darkness is less dark than in years past.  I do not use medication.

I do not lose touch with reality.  I know that is the greatest fear.  I have looked insanity in the eyes and called him Daddy.  He could not be reached in that dark place.  I associate creative pursuit with an unstable mind.  If I don’t get carried away with creativity, I won’t get carried away.

Understanding this behemoth does not slay the dragon.  I have not yet found the sword that will do the task.  It takes more than identifying and understanding and defining the problem to solve it.  A plan of action, resources to implement the plan, a time line to follow for the plan are not enough either.

There is another element needed.  Courage.  Daring.  Audacity. What it is called doesn’t matter.  Guts to jump off the high dive.  Guts to jump off the river bank.  What is the worst thing that could happen?  Yes, all of those things.  Look them in the eye and jump.  Plunge into the icy cold unknown.  Someone is waiting to reach out and pull me back in if the struggle is too much.  He has been doing so for more than thirty years.  When I am in too deep, he calls upon his Friend to help.

Maybe this week, I will have the audacity…………………….

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Not Achieving the Goal

Well, I did not get everything done as I had hoped.  I did get rid of almost everything that is not in progress or does not fit my vision or still hold interest for me.

I will claim the rainy weather as part of the problem.  Hard to paint furniture out on the carport when it is raining.

The small box of fabric is still here.  I have not been willing to let it go.  When I went through it, the projects I want to do are still viable and I am still interested.

The ceramic mermaid is still on the counter getting additional layers of paint whenever I get a chance.  She is almost finished.

I am going to “blame” him for not cutting the hooks from the fishing lures, yet.  My cutters and my hands are not strong enough.  I plan to hang them from cord on the porch or maybe in the living room.

I did succeed in editing things.  I have let go of a few things.  I am still trying to make time and room for what I want to expend energy doing.

The main thing for me is that I have not given up.  Never give up.  Never give in.  That saying about increasing your success rate by increasing your failure rate.  Fall down seven times, get up eight.

I am closer to my final goal than before.  I am allowing a mess to be present on my kitchen counter while I experience creative expression.  I am still trying.  I have not boxed it all up and stuffed it all back in the closet and retreated to the veil of sadness.

Maybe the goal is the problem.  Maybe I haven’t set the goal clearly or properly.  Maybe what I think I want is not what I really want.  Perhaps tomorrow things will be clearer.

At least I am a few limbs higher on the magnolia tree.  I’m not sure if I have clearly explained what the reference to the magnolia tree means in previous posts.   Next week, I may try to tell it.

Meanwhile, I will continue to collect orchids as they rain down in my life.  Supper last Friday with my daughter and him, many phone calls from my son sharing his and her experiences in paradise, time in the beautiful woods, keeping company with that man of mine, tons of birthday wishes received.  Simple things.  Beautiful life.  Orchids raining.

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Trivialities

My son and his wife are enroute to Hawai’i to live for a couple of years.
Exciting and heart rending. We will miss them very much. I will not even try to contemplate Christmas.
And yet, all I need is a plane ticket to Maui and a few dollars spending money. Another trip to paradise.

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The move for them meant breaking up housekeeping. A few things went to a storage facility, a few things to my house, a few things to her mother’s house. A lot sold and tossed. A few suitcases loaded up to take with them.
For me, it meant pulling things out of my closet in the back room to make room for storing their things. My things I procrastinate on dealing with. It is all piled on the dining table I recently received from him. And on the floor, and down the hall. Actually, the things down the hall I have already picked out to go to the donation bin.
I am reviewing each item and either tossing, giving away or processing into a completed project. Some things need a little paint. Beads and shells and string need to be made into necklaces. Fabrics need to be made into dresses or curtains. I am determined to be finished before my birthday on the 20th of this month. If I don’t get it done, it goes.
The only thing that bothers me is the thought of my fabrics. I love fabric. I do not have a large pile, but I sew very slowly and am concerned I will lose some yardage due to my tight deadline.
Seems like a very silly thing to be concerned with in light of other matters. But, I need to have something to do. I have to be careful to keep myself a little distracted without evoking an emotional meltdown. I cannot concentrate enough to read non-fiction and dare not read fiction with its artificially stimulated emotional response issue.
So, I will allow myself to wallow in my trivial pursuit of empty shelves and vacant drawers. One of my favorite lines, “I travel light”, motivates and inspires me. Someday. Perhaps.