He has had a challenging year. At least a dozen medium to major problems have plagued us. Him, particularly. A deer hit his truck and it had to have extensive body work. A tree hit him and his tractor and the tractor had to have serious repairs. He was only slightly damaged. The children have had vehicle issues with which he assisted. He had some minor health issues to get through. He changed hunting leases. We lost a good cow. I counted one day and came up with twelve or thirteen issues. Since that time, we had a few days without power. He had to get the generator going to keep the icebox and freezer in good shape. The big trailer’s tongue broke off at the lease and he had to get it welded back together. Most recently, major plumbing problems have arisen.
If any of this is mentioned, he is instant to say: “God took care of it.” And of course, He does. There is insurance for the truck and the health problems. A generator is ours to fire up for power. There are friends to help with a place to sleep with air conditioning. Other friends to help with on-site welding. His own strength and hard work to take care of many other things.
I am grateful for the protection and provision He supplies. I am grateful for the strength of the man I married. Physical, mental and most importantly, spiritual. I see the side of him the world never encounters. I see him tired and frustrated. Wanting to just crash in his chair and zone out watching television. I see him deal with headaches and back pain and kidney stones. But, I see him get up and go to work day after day. He has almost never missed work due to illness. When he did, we likely went to the ER for something. I admire his toughness and his courage. It can make for some difficult moments for me and then protect me from difficult moments as well.
Occasionally, a tender spot will show. Usually it is associated with our beloved children or with Him. I see him tense and concentrated thinking about them. They are both married, independent, well into careers of their own. But, his attitude of protection and guidance is still as it has always been. There is a grand on the way. It will be very interesting to see him interact with the little one. I am sure I will see things unimaginable from that tough, old bull.
I am a compulsive list maker. I think I have written about this before. But, it has come up again in my thoughts.
I have lists of all kinds of things. I have books of lists I have made over the years. I don’t just make lists of things to do. I make lists of things I like, things I want to learn, books or movies or songs I want. I make lists of favorites such as colors, flowers, animals. Places I want to go, meals I want to cook, stories I want to write. Lists of values, strengths, weaknesses. All kinds of things.
Why? I often ask myself that question. I don’t know if I am trying to remember things or trying to figure out things. I used to get frustrated because I didn’t have a single favorite color. I didn’t have a single favorite flower. I always thought that was a flaw in my mental processes. That it meant I was unable to decide or to commit to something so simple.
Finally, I resigned myself to being uncommitted and discovered my favorite color is aquamarine and my favorite flower is the orchid. One of the wall colors of our bedroom is aquamarine. The empress of flowers has so many faces; it is easy to love her. Enough variety and color to satisfy my ever changing mood.
I make lists of outfits and define elements of styles. Clothes, home décor, gardening. Anything is subject to being listed. Pinterest boards are magical picture lists. I go through phases of collecting, rearranging and discarding pins and boards. My dream come true site!
I have common lists of things to do each day and tasks or special projects I am working toward. The items on those lists are marked through when completed or when I have talked myself out of it. Sometimes an item will get transferred to a long term list.
I suppose I have benefited from the lists. I have accomplished many things through the years. I keep my home and its business in pretty good shape considering my life circumstances. I have worked through some problems and figured out some issues. Some resolved, some simply defined.
I hope to be able to understand what drives me each day to do the things I do. I don’t want to get to the end and not have at least tried to know myself well enough to behave well toward others. What does having a favorites’ list have to do with that? Nothing really. It is simply an offshoot of hours of day dreaming and digging into my thoughts. Always wondering and pondering and wrestling with the mental and emotional world inside.
Always trying to be better at being Me each day. One list at a time.
Sometimes I get really aggravated. Not about anything in particular. Just everything in general. The garbage service didn’t pick up my trash again. I don’t know why and he isn’t answering the phone. The rain storm caught me by surprise today and I got damp and chilled. I watched the weather and the storm that came was not predicted by the weather man I was watching. My shoulder is hurting for unknown reasons. Hurting a lot. My honey is going to be away for a few days coming up and I am going to miss him terribly. I still have too many unresolved projects cluttering up my house and yard and life. I can’t find a new pair of shoes that won’t hurt my foot and will look dressy enough for my taste.
See. Nothing major. Just a lot of little things piled up. When I see my list of complaints in black and white, they seem even more trivial. I have loved ones going through very serious health problems. I have friends in various personal crises. There are terrible things happening out in the world at large.
But, sometimes I still have to stop and acknowledge that I have aggravations piling up and getting in the way of joy and thanksgiving. Just because my problems aren’t huge and not really problems at all, I still have to deal with them. They are like the dripping faucet. Something that needs to be fixed. And next week will have another round of problems to deal with. It is called life.
The up side of things today includes the following: I have steaks marinating and potatoes baking. Yes, for Monday supper. I have a great porch to sit on and rest my achy body. I had a lot of hot water to take a shower and warm up and relieve some of my shoulder ache. My honey is home. He is going to help with the trash problem. I got to visit with my daughter and her feller yesterday. We had shrimp gumbo. I have a crochet project I am enjoying. I have an embroidery project I am enjoying. I have a book to read I am enjoying. I just heard that a dear friend got a cancer free report today.
So, I will be joyful and thankful and glad with life and the blessings generously given to me. The orchids are still raining down even when I am aggravated. All I have to do is stop grumbling long enough to notice. Out of the darkness of my thoughts and into the light…………………