Trouble in Paradise

I am having a pity party.  I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve.  Things get better then fall apart again.  I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work.  I am feeling a mild panic at my age.  Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.

I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled.  Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help.  But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days.  And I am the only one who can deal with them.

I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues.  Intense illness or personal tragedy.  I have been through personal tragedy.  I pray I am mostly done with that.  I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside.  My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering.  Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.

Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside.  I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression.  Then, there are my feet.  My painfully damaged feet.  Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity.  Pain that interferes with sleep.

Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party.  So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life.  Safe from harm.  Home and pantry loaded with luxury.  Loved ones doing mostly okay.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is not so good.  My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear.  Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.

My health issues will improve.  My creative work is moving.  Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet.  The gardening is coming along.  I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend.  Sago palms sit in pots at the front door.  The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved.  I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store.  I did do some crochet and embroidery work.  I spent some time visiting with my cousin.  The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.

Yes, my life is beautifully simple.  Sometimes, too simple.  It is my life.  And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time.  And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time.  The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary.  Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds.  Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle.  Most days, things are somewhere in between.  Higher rather than lower.  Temporary.  Things change.  That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today.  No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change.  He and he love me.  And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back.  Orchids enough for today.

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Generations

I had a wonderful time snuggling my great niece this past weekend. She is five and a half months old and starting to roll over. She is the happiest baby! My older great niece actually talked to me and seems to be getting accustomed to me. She will be four this fall. I wasn’t around her much earlier on due to various circumstances in my life. They live a two hour drive away. I spend the night when I go.
I have enjoyed getting to know my niece as an adult. I was her shadow the first couple of years of her life. I was in high school when she was born. The first of her generation in our family. There is a photo I took of her at about age two on her icebox put there by her husband. Her oldest daughter looks exactly like her except for the hair color. I told my niece how proud of her I am. She is honest, realistic and direct about her opinions and feelings. I decided later she got that from her maternal grandmother. We wondered together where she got it. Finally, it dawned on me!
Later during the weekend, I had time with my own angel baby. She may be all grown up and taking care of me now, but she is still my baby. She helped me get a load of festive flip-flops on sale and went with me to see our dear friend for her birthday. I am humbled by the blessing of my daughter.
Our friend’s sweet hubby had cooked ribs and such for supper. We crashed the family party and ate supper. A moment in time to remind my friend that I love her and to remember that she loves me.
Had to run as soon as we ate to get home to see this man of mine. I missed him. Kissed him bye Friday morning and didn’t get home till after nine Saturday evening. Even when we aren’t in the same part of the house, just knowing he is close by keeps me from feeling lost and alone.
I spent Sunday camping under the gazebo our son and his bride left behind. Books, music, crochet, writing tablet, journal, cookbooks. Hours and hours sitting and thinking and reading and planning and writing and scheming.
I am saving up time to fly to Maui to see my other blessings: my son and his bride. So, I haven’t had my week off for vacation this summer. I will be off a few days later this month for the longhorn sale. But, I am missing my mid-summer regrouping time. Time to putter around the house and reconfigure things. But, I am cooking up a plan……………if it works out………the results will most likely be published.
Trying to keep connected to the generations of my family. I confess I have neglected the upper generations. I must try to rectify that situation. My aunts need to be on my list of visits, too.
But, the hardest part is leaving him. Even for a little while. Even to go see very dear loved ones. My heart is bound up with him. I sound like a silly school girl in love. I still get nervous and giddy waiting to see him. He is my best connection. The one that keeps me grounded, yet soaring above the clouds.