Lockhart

We went to the longhorn sale in Lockhart this weekend. Got to see lots of folks we have known for these many years in the business. Sold a cow and calf; bought a cow and calf and a heifer.

I have a young friend who lives in the Northwest.   Oregon cowgirl. She came with her father again this year. We are running buddies for the sale. She and I like to go to town and do a little shopping around the old town square. This old lady loves hanging out with that lovely teenager.

This year I went with her to a new spot for me. The San Marcos outlet mall. We had a good time and it was an adventure. I picked up a few things and so did she. She had been there before and had even gone the day before to scope out things.

During the sale, we went downtown as usual. They didn’t have the soap she likes at our favorite store this time. But, we always like prowling through all the shops of both new and used things. Lots of vintage and antiques to dig through. Some of the other ladies from the sale barn had made their way to town as well.

When I go to Lockhart or to other similar environments, I always get antsy to be creative. I see things others have put together and want to do something myself.

Today, I have salved the itch with my crochet thread and Pinterest. I crochet plain old dish rags from pretty cotton thread. I don’t really know what I want to do. Plus, I have given most of my crafting things to my daughter or the charity thrift store.

But, I have made some progress. I have talked with him about an idea for a work space. We are going to try to get something set up for me. I asked him about some ideas I have and he is going to help me with them. Simple as that. Just ask. Ask for help.

Often my argument against myself is the end product. What will I do with the end product? At this point, I am not thinking too much about that. Trying to focus on ideas and go through what I have at hand. Also, I am trying to pick one idea to pursue to completion. If I find success, I will probably share it here.

Fall and Hallowe’en are nearing. I would like to do some seasonal decorating. We don’t have much company, so it will have to be for me to enjoy. Can I stretch enough to do something just for me? If he and I are the only ones to see, will I be okay with that? Must I have a large audience or can it be an audience of two? I must consider myself to matter enough for special effort. Again, this lines up with the end product issue. Doing the creative process is one thing. Having an end product is something else. The southern girl in me thinks it is all about the show. Hospitality. Setting the stage for an event. I want to do things for my own satisfaction and pleasure. If someone else sees and enjoys, fine. If not, that will have to be fine, too.

“Don’t worry. Everything is going to be amazing.” That is the saying on the shirt I bought in San Marcos. It is under the motif of a full moon. Last week’s post. Aunt’s Facebook share. Shirt. Somehow it means something special. I am trying to listen to the message. Be still and know. He is trying to reassure me. I want to open my heart to new risks, challenge my mind with new ideas, let myself feel amazing.

I am not trying to save the world or even change it. I am simply trying to be who I should be. If it helps someone else, good. I have paid my dues in life. Children raised and wonderfully successful. Parents, grandparents nurtured until they left this world. Supporting friends and family the best I could at the given moment. Even now doing more of the same. I am working on giving myself permission to be just a little selfish. To be a little self-directed. To become more me. My shirt says it will be amazing!

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Blue Winter

Silly of me to feel this way.  I have had a blue winter day.  The sunshine of the island and the false spring days we have had lately didn’t stick with me today.  The gray sky and cold rain got me.   At least for part of the day.  I let myself get blue for a while.

I seem to have turned the mood around.  I switched to the 70’s music station on the television and actually did a little dancing.  Ironically, in front of the same mirror I danced before when it was the early 80s. I didn’t like dancing alone so I always danced in front of my mirror.  Tried it today to see if it would work on my blue mood.  Yes. It did.  Thank goodness.

Every time I have a down time, I fear the return of the black depression that has plagued me on and off through the years.

Lately, I have had some down days.  But, my thoughts haven’t really been down.  I feel more like I am bored.  I am busy, but not at anything very engaging or interesting.  I am slightly embarrassed to admit this.  I believe intelligence should overcome boredom.

Perhaps, I am reacting to job stress.  Maybe I have my thought processes zoned out to keep from stressing about the upcoming audit and the needs of my current position.  Not enough hours in the work week to do all that needs doing.  No overtime allowed at all.  Period.  This will be my third such audit that comes along every three years.  I always lose sleep over it.  We have always had great outcomes.  Nevertheless, I fret.  May is forever away and just around the corner.

Perhaps, I am unwilling to do things at home to make myself feel better.  I have been reading for pleasure.  I have a simple crocheted scarf almost completed.  I have a few crafting projects awaiting.  Even better than all this I have a wedding to help put together for our daughter.  Only parents and siblings and his daughter on the guest list, but still I want the event to be special and memorable for her.

Still, I have a gap in my attention.  I pass time piddling on Facebook or Pinterest, puttering around the house trying to keep up with the housekeeping, occasionally doing something in the yard.  Mindless things.  I need something to hold my attention and get my mind focused on the task at hand.

A hobby?  Yes.  I suppose a hobby other than reading and writing.  I hesitate to delve into something.  I can’t recall how many projects for which I have bought supplies and tools yet not completed or even started.   The tools and supplies are usually passed on to other crafters.  As I stated, I have a few projects I could do but not enough enthusiasm for them to drag stuff out and begin.

Frustrated.  That is it for me right now.  I was busier with projects when the children were young and Mother and Daddy needed my help than now when I have hours I could spend creatively.

What is the problem?  What do I really want to do with my time and creative energy?  Am I overreaching the issue?  Probably.  Break down the problem.  What do I really want to do this week with my time and energy?  Do I want to work out patterns to cut felt pieces for ornaments?  Do I want to get a darker washable ink to draw on the fabric I have been trying to embroider with my own design?  Do I want to try again to smear paint on a piece of canvas?  Would I rather write a draft of a new poem?  Should I work on the painted finish of the stool in the bathroom?

I have a friend or two I need to make time to call.  I have a cousin I need to call and hopefully be able to assist.  I have a birthday party to attend.

And always, I have him…..he needs attention.  I love giving him attention.  Sometimes, he lets me.  Sometimes, he is busy with his own projects.  When my blue winter days come, he gives me attention.  He turns the blue to silver and the gleam of delight returns to my heart.  I am ever mindful of him and what he might need from me.  After all, he is my favorite hobby.  And definitely never boring!

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Seeing Things Differently

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I have not been seeing things correctly lately.  I am beating myself up about not doing enough creative work.  But, I have been producing.  Maybe not in volume.  But, I have done some things.

Recent accomplishments:

I potted up two sago palms and filled top of pots with marble rock.  They now enhance the front entrance to our home.

I cooked a recipe of Oriental Chicken I have had for years.  I thought it turned out great.   It tasted like I thought it would taste and I liked it.

I crocheted a stack of dish washing rags and dish drying rags for my daughter.  I am working on some for my own use.

I have posted on Raining Orchids each week and included a photograph of my own production.  Each photo I have used is one I have taken with my phone and edited with the simple program included in the camera application.

I continue to challenge myself to being as honest as I can when writing for Raining Orchids.

I continue to challenge myself to do what I need to do to be better at everything I do.

I smeared paint on paper and found some satisfaction in the exercise as well as the results.  Yes, I actually painted, again, finally.  I set up a TV tray on the porch and brought my paint box out.  An hour or so later, I put everything away.  But, I had four pieces done.  Two of them were more pleasing.  All were learning exercises.

As a result of the production, I bought some more paper and a few canvas boards.  I found it acceptable to use the temporary work station after all.  I had been resisting that idea.  A quote from a book states  something about it not being the workplace, but the desire to work that matters.

The upcoming days include plans for a trip with him.  We will be seeing dear friends.  My girls are scheduled to come see us when we return home.  I will have a couple of days off to putter around the house and garden.  I will have opportunity to cook and bake for my family.

Simple.  Beautiful.  Raining Orchids.