I love the night. When I am outside sitting around a fire with friends. Or when I am walking down a moonlit sandy road. Or sitting on the porch listening to the night sounds.
I don’t love the night when my dreams become tumultuous and full of drama. I did not post last evening. I went to bed very early again. I am battling the symptoms of the illness that plagues me. My dreams did not allow peaceful rest.
I have always dreamed in full action Technicolor and remember much of details and moods. Some dreams I never forget. They live in my memory as if they really happened. Sometimes a dream mood will stay with me after I awake. I have had dream moods stay with me for days.
I have learned to redirect dreams even while sleeping through them. I will awaken remembering how a dream was deteriorating into a nightmare and I had changed the scenes to avoid disaster. I don’t always have success, though. Last night, the dream deteriorated into chaos and panic. I woke myself to get out of the hysterical state I had entered.
I wake up still tired many mornings. Some would avoid sleep to avoid such problems. There is a good side to this. Many of my dreams are better than a movie. Adventure, beautiful scenery, even good drama. I love when I have those good dreams.
Recently, I had a clear and vivid dream of his mother. She has been gone from us many years, but in my dream I got a wonderful hug from her and could hear her voice and see her clearly.
It happens sometimes. Someone I love who has passed on will appear in my dreams. Clear and well and full of love. I will take the bad dreams if it means I will also have the good dreams. Dreams that become memories as surely as if they happened in life and not just in my mind.
I am having a pity party. I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve. Things get better then fall apart again. I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work. I am feeling a mild panic at my age. Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.
I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled. Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help. But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days. And I am the only one who can deal with them.
I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues. Intense illness or personal tragedy. I have been through personal tragedy. I pray I am mostly done with that. I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside. My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering. Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.
Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside. I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression. Then, there are my feet. My painfully damaged feet. Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity. Pain that interferes with sleep.
Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party. So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life. Safe from harm. Home and pantry loaded with luxury. Loved ones doing mostly okay. I have good days and bad days. Today is not so good. My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear. Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.
My health issues will improve. My creative work is moving. Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet. The gardening is coming along. I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend. Sago palms sit in pots at the front door. The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved. I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store. I did do some crochet and embroidery work. I spent some time visiting with my cousin. The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.
Yes, my life is beautifully simple. Sometimes, too simple. It is my life. And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time. And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time. The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary. Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds. Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle. Most days, things are somewhere in between. Higher rather than lower. Temporary. Things change. That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today. No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change. He and he love me. And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back. Orchids enough for today.