A Creative Tool

I don’t know who loves Pinterest more, my niece, my daughter, or me. I have regular boards, secret boards, shared private boards. I am bad about deleting entire boards, deleting pins from boards, resorting boards.

I used to collect images and articles from magazines and do the same thing. I still have to have a paper magazine at times. I just like magazines. But, I really like Pinterest.

My daughter and I use it instead of “googling” for information.

It has been a great resource of inspiration for me to make some changes. I have gone through a long process of evaluating, emulating and evaluating again. I am at a place in my process of questioning goals.

There are some goals I want to keep. But, there are many more I want to let go. Am I coming of age again? Is this what I wanted for turning 50? I think so. I feel liberated somehow. I feel validated.

I am fifty years old. Our children are grown and after Saturday, both will be married. He and I have been married over thirty one years. We have no elders to care for anymore. I am only a few years away from a full retirement (God willing.) I only have a few things on a “bucket list”. At least half are travel destinations.

I find myself using Pinterest to attempt to define and clarify my goals and ambitions. To develop my bucket list. To dream about things to come.

My niece says my pins indicate I live in a cluttered house! I am always pinning “get rid of clutter” pins. I actually have very little clutter. But, I am trying to figure out how little I can live with and feel comfortable. I am trying to learn how to not buy things just to buy things. I am trying to learn how to let go of things I have bought that don’t work for me.   I am trying to refine my ideas and dreams.

That leads to creating a new board, sorting pins. Repinning to the new board and then deleting the old board. So I like to warn those who follow my boards. You better repin anything you like on my boards. If you look for it later, it might not be there!

I need to wrap this up. I have a few minutes before lights out to surf Pinterest! Happy Pinning, my friends!

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Dreams

I love the night. When I am outside sitting around a fire with friends.  Or when I am walking down a moonlit sandy road. Or sitting on the porch listening to the night sounds.

I don’t love the night when my dreams become tumultuous and full of drama. I did not post last evening.  I went to bed very early again.  I am battling the symptoms of the illness that plagues me.  My dreams did not allow peaceful rest.

I have always dreamed in full action Technicolor and remember much of details and moods. Some dreams I never forget.  They live in my memory as if they really happened.  Sometimes a dream mood will stay with me after I awake. I have had dream moods stay with me for days.

I have learned to redirect dreams even while sleeping through them. I will awaken remembering how a dream was deteriorating into a nightmare and I had changed the scenes to avoid disaster.  I don’t always have success, though.  Last night, the dream deteriorated into chaos and panic.  I woke myself to get out of the hysterical state I had entered.

I wake up still tired many mornings. Some would avoid sleep to avoid such problems.  There is a good side to this.  Many of my dreams are better than a movie.  Adventure, beautiful scenery, even good drama.  I love when I have those good dreams.

Recently, I had a clear and vivid dream of his mother. She has been gone from us many years, but in my dream I got a wonderful hug from her and could hear her voice and see her clearly.

It happens sometimes. Someone I love who has passed on will appear in my dreams.  Clear and well and full of love.  I will take the bad dreams if it means I will also have the good dreams.  Dreams that become memories as surely as if they happened in life and not just in my mind.

 

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Trouble in Paradise

I am having a pity party.  I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve.  Things get better then fall apart again.  I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work.  I am feeling a mild panic at my age.  Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.

I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled.  Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help.  But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days.  And I am the only one who can deal with them.

I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues.  Intense illness or personal tragedy.  I have been through personal tragedy.  I pray I am mostly done with that.  I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside.  My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering.  Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.

Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside.  I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression.  Then, there are my feet.  My painfully damaged feet.  Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity.  Pain that interferes with sleep.

Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party.  So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life.  Safe from harm.  Home and pantry loaded with luxury.  Loved ones doing mostly okay.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is not so good.  My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear.  Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.

My health issues will improve.  My creative work is moving.  Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet.  The gardening is coming along.  I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend.  Sago palms sit in pots at the front door.  The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved.  I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store.  I did do some crochet and embroidery work.  I spent some time visiting with my cousin.  The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.

Yes, my life is beautifully simple.  Sometimes, too simple.  It is my life.  And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time.  And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time.  The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary.  Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds.  Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle.  Most days, things are somewhere in between.  Higher rather than lower.  Temporary.  Things change.  That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today.  No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change.  He and he love me.  And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back.  Orchids enough for today.

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Expectations

I always expected life to be more like Norman Rockwell’s paintings.  I figured Mama and I would be cooking dinner and taking all the grandkids off on adventures.  Even now, I keep thinking it will somehow materialize.

I have lingering images from prior to 1978.  That was about when Granny and Granddaddy sold their house and moved to Evadale.  There was something magical about that house.  When we would all get together for Christmas and Easter, it was so glamorous.  My lovely Mother and Daddy’s lovely sisters.  I remember Daddy wearing a suit and tie at Christmas.

Even after that, for almost 20 years till Mama left us, we would get together to have dinner all the time.  Sometimes a few of us, but several times a year a whole bunch of us.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends and all.  Sometimes here at this house, sometimes at Honey Island, sometimes at Saratoga.

I always dreamed of seeing the world.  Between stories of Daddy’s sailing days and Uncle Bo’s RV days, travel was always a dream of mine.  I wanted to be a National Geographic photographer or an anthropologist.  I wanted to be a great painter.  Like Georgia O’Keefe.  Famous while alive and not after I am dead.  I wanted to write a great novel that would be on the recommended reading list for students.

I am not unhappy with my life.  I had to choose between things.  Sometimes there really was no choice.  Love and duty dictated my actions.  I have chosen family and home over other adventures.  Life with my family and him has been an adventure!

But, these days, what choices do I have?  The world is wide open in some ways.  In a few years, God willing, I will be retired and still young enough to make a new path.  What will I do with the rest of my life?  What do I need to do now to prepare for the next book in the series of my adventure on this planet?

I keep looking for inspiration and direction.  I keep hoping for a light bulb type epiphany.  But, I know that sometimes all we get is the next moment, the next hour, today.   So, I am doing today.  And, trying to do it well. Even when it feels like I am stalled.  And I am feeling stalled.

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