Trouble with the Orchids

I am having trouble smelling the orchids today. Of course, it is Monday. This morning was not a bad as some have been lately. I don’t know what was different in my preparation for it. Sunday was good. Not exceptional. I slept okay, not great. But, somehow, the morning was better than I expected.

The day went fairly smoothly. I didn’t hit any big snags doing reports. I walked at Magnolia Ridge this evening. I saw five deer. They saw me and just watched me stroll by and then back by on the return. Supper was good.

The family is doing pretty well. Aunt and cousin still firmly in our daily prayers as they struggle with ongoing health issues. But, the rest of us are okay.

I had planned on writing about my son. He turned thirty this past Saturday. He is four thousand miles away working and playing. I miss him, but am so proud and thrilled he and his wife have this opportunity to live in paradise for a little while. I decided I was not brave enough to write about him. I might come undone if I delve too deeply remembering my sweet son. Oops…stop…even now my eyes sting.

Changing the subject quickly, I am once again sitting at my new desk typing. I also have continued to write the prescribed “morning pages” from Cameron’s work. I have too many things awaiting my attention. Too many courses of study pending. Not enough hours in the day. I have been saying that a lot lately. I don’t usually have this complaint. My biggest problem is prioritizing what to work on at any given moment.

Decision making is one of my weakest points. I even try to make certain rules to go by so I don’t have to struggle with such trivial things as deciding what to eat from a menu or what products to purchase for housekeeping.

Other things I simply put off deciding until the decision is made for me. Either the opportunity is lost or someone else decides and I go along. It is a trust issue. Not trusting my own choices. I feel I have made so many poor decisions in my life that I still feel the repercussions from I don’t want to take risks. Fear.  How I despise it.  Yet, it still stalks me.

But, the fear has to do with him, too. I don’t want to make poor decisions that adversely affect him. I try to avoid causing him chaos. I am not sure he would agree with that statement. I know he goes out of his way to tend to my difficulties. I so appreciate him for it. And yes, his patience has grown by leaps and bounds over these many years.

I suppose I do smell a faint whiff of fragrance after all. The orchids are sometimes lost in the tangle of my mind and I don’t see them or smell them. I have to stop and untangle my thoughts. Stop and talk to Him. Walk out in the fresh air. Fuss at myself some. Then, finally, sit down to the page. Whether here or in my journal to write it out.

I write almost every day. Sometimes, I seem to write all day. When I go too many days without writing, I can’t see the orchids. The dark tangle of my emotions overcomes me and I struggle to get through the hours. The words flowing onto the page are like the flood of tears from a grieving heart. They give relief and ease the spirit. Even when the thoughts and words, the days and occasions are happy, they can become tangled for me if I don’t write out the feelings.

I know when I am at my worst. My journal becomes a long to-do list. Listing, of course, being my great crutch to try to resolve chaos. I am almost without a list at this time. I know of a couple of short ones and then the long lists of books I want to read and songs I want on my iPod. Those don’t count. Like some of my pin boards don’t count when I feel the need to redirect my interests. Books and music are paramount for me. I don’t know if being without the lists is a good thing at the moment or if I am just in transition. Time will tell. Besides, Cameron’s book has homework assignments requiring lists! (Hmmm! Maybe that is part of the appeal!)

I need to do some untangling of my thoughts before bedtime. This is what my mind feels like sometimes:

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Spring

The air has changed.  Even if we have more cold temperatures, spring is upon us.  Green buds peek from tips of limbs.  Weeds are more than ankle deep.  Bird songs have changed.  He heard geese traveling north the other evening.

I am restless with the changing season.  Wanting a change.  Not knowing what to change.  I am ready to get my plants off the porch.  Ready to rearrange the furniture for the changing light.  The daybed is in one corner for winter sun and will be moved to another corner for summer shade.

The azaleas should be in bloom within a week.  Already the redbuds bring vibrant hope.  I love every season in its turn.  I celebrate the fading of one and the coming of another.

The transitions remind me of the ever-turning pages of time.  I am reminded to seize this moment and be joyous at the life pulsing through my veins.

The difficulties we face today will be overcome and become distant memories.  I know this because it has happened before.  We have faced difficulties and with His Help, we have overcome them in the past.  There are some things that happen which must be endured until the end of life.  Most things pass.

Challenges are to be faced.  I may have moments of weakness and feel overwhelmed with fear.  But, I must not give in to the fear.  I must stand and face the lions in the den.  Fear leads to confusion and poor or delayed decisions.  Fear leads to despair.  Fear leads to bitterness and anger.

I watched a movie once.  I have it on DVD.  I cannot bear to watch it again.  I love it, but it is emotionally taxing.  What I learned from the movie is simply to feel the cold and not fear it.  Feel the pain.  Feel the heartbreak.  Feel the feelings.  Do not fear them.  I don’t know if I would see all of that if I watched it again.  I doubt anyone else would find that message in the movie 300. 

It corresponds with my Grandmother telling me about childbirth to let go and let it hurt.  I had both of my children without pain medication.  It was not easy to let go and let it hurt.  But, it was worth it.

The current challenges I face will pass.  I have a choice.  I can face them with good humor and a smile or I can make myself miserable along with everyone around me.  No matter the outcome of the situation, I have a choice about what I think and what I allow myself to feel.

I want to get through this happy and laughing at the moments that exist between the battles.  I want to be able to focus on the battles when they are before me and leave them on the field when the time for rest comes.  I do not want to be covered with the smell of fear.  I hate feeling fear more than just about anything.

I will be strong for him.  I will be faithful for Him.  I will not fear.  I have my sanity and His Salvation.  And a thousand other blessings………………………………..

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Trouble in Paradise

I am having a pity party.  I have some ongoing physical problems that won’t resolve.  Things get better then fall apart again.  I am not progressing at the rate I consider acceptable in my creative work.  I am feeling a mild panic at my age.  Not that I am aging, but that there is so much undone, still.

I am feeling fear that many of the wishes and dreams I had will not be fulfilled.  Most of them are within my own ability to achieve without his help.  But, the blocks in place seem mired in muck that is too much for me to deal with these days.  And I am the only one who can deal with them.

I try to look at others who are struggling with even larger, sometimes life threatening issues.  Intense illness or personal tragedy.  I have been through personal tragedy.  I pray I am mostly done with that.  I have told too many loved ones goodbye at graveside.  My health issues are not life threatening. But, they are life interfering.  Things I want to accomplish and am unable to get there.

Of course, I seem perfectly healthy from the outside.  I am one of those with a hidden physical illness and the additional emotional problem of depression.  Then, there are my feet.  My painfully damaged feet.  Pain that prevents certain activities or serious consequences for some types of activity.  Pain that interferes with sleep.

Sleep deprivation leading to a pity party.  So, here I am today in my beautifully simple life.  Safe from harm.  Home and pantry loaded with luxury.  Loved ones doing mostly okay.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is not so good.  My orchids are falling unseen today, I fear.  Wait a minute…………I need to stop right now and gather them up.

My health issues will improve.  My creative work is moving.  Maybe not like a freight train, but neither is it backing into the closet.  The gardening is coming along.  I did get a few things taken care of around the house over the weekend.  Sago palms sit in pots at the front door.  The stuff piled on the carport at the back door has been moved.  I have organized my crafting things onto the bookcase I got from the thrift store.  I did do some crochet and embroidery work.  I spent some time visiting with my cousin.  The children’s issues from last week have smoothed out.

Yes, my life is beautifully simple.  Sometimes, too simple.  It is my life.  And I am doing the best I can at this moment in time.  And tomorrow I will do the best I can in that moment of time.  The measuring stick cannot be arbitrary.  Some days, my best will be soaring above the clouds.  Some days, my best will be treading muddy water in a puddle.  Most days, things are somewhere in between.  Higher rather than lower.  Temporary.  Things change.  That is a good thought to hang on to, whatever I am feeling or doing today.  No matter how the orchids are raining, a couple of things do not change.  He and he love me.  And I am blessed with the capacity to love them back.  Orchids enough for today.

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