facing fear

Trying.

Posted by

0

Hello again.  Here I am trying to restart.  I don’t know why I am not posting anymore.  I’m certainly not out of words.  I have dozens of hand scribbled journals to prove otherwise.  I suppose I just feel I am repeating the same things over and over.  I like to think I that even though the topics are repeating, I am spiraling up and not just spinning flat. 

Over the past three years, I should have accomplished more creatively.  I have no excuse. 

The real reason for not moving forward is fear.  Fear of failure. Fear of ridicule. Fear of success.  Fear of an empty well.  Fear of plowing headlong into the bottom of a shallow pool.  Fear of one and done.  Fear of insanity.  Fear of grief. 

What do I think I should have already done? I should have an outline or first draft of a book or three.  I should have prints of my photography ready to sell.  I should have a full book of anecdotes and associated photos compiled.  Should have. Could have. Would have. Except for fear. 

Funny thing. It isn’t the idea of strangers seeing my words and images.  It is the idea of people I know seeing them.  The acquaintances and associates who are not part of my inner circle, my tribe, my posse.  I have a very small ring of people who have seen my heart in person and not only through Raining Orchids.  It’s an odd feeling to speak to someone I really don’t know well and have them know me from this space.  It adds to the fear.  Fear of exposure.  Of overexposure.  Of being misunderstood. 

In an effort to move forward on other projects, I hope to regain my composure and meet myself here on the page every week.  Say a little prayer I will honor my heart and overcome fear. 

Spring

Posted by

0

The air has changed.  Even if we have more cold temperatures, spring is upon us.  Green buds peek from tips of limbs.  Weeds are more than ankle deep.  Bird songs have changed.  He heard geese traveling north the other evening.

I am restless with the changing season.  Wanting a change.  Not knowing what to change.  I am ready to get my plants off the porch.  Ready to rearrange the furniture for the changing light.  The daybed is in one corner for winter sun and will be moved to another corner for summer shade.

The azaleas should be in bloom within a week.  Already the redbuds bring vibrant hope.  I love every season in its turn.  I celebrate the fading of one and the coming of another.

The transitions remind me of the ever-turning pages of time.  I am reminded to seize this moment and be joyous at the life pulsing through my veins.

The difficulties we face today will be overcome and become distant memories.  I know this because it has happened before.  We have faced difficulties and with His Help, we have overcome them in the past.  There are some things that happen which must be endured until the end of life.  Most things pass.

Challenges are to be faced.  I may have moments of weakness and feel overwhelmed with fear.  But, I must not give in to the fear.  I must stand and face the lions in the den.  Fear leads to confusion and poor or delayed decisions.  Fear leads to despair.  Fear leads to bitterness and anger.

I watched a movie once.  I have it on DVD.  I cannot bear to watch it again.  I love it, but it is emotionally taxing.  What I learned from the movie is simply to feel the cold and not fear it.  Feel the pain.  Feel the heartbreak.  Feel the feelings.  Do not fear them.  I don’t know if I would see all of that if I watched it again.  I doubt anyone else would find that message in the movie 300. 

It corresponds with my Grandmother telling me about childbirth to let go and let it hurt.  I had both of my children without pain medication.  It was not easy to let go and let it hurt.  But, it was worth it.

The current challenges I face will pass.  I have a choice.  I can face them with good humor and a smile or I can make myself miserable along with everyone around me.  No matter the outcome of the situation, I have a choice about what I think and what I allow myself to feel.

I want to get through this happy and laughing at the moments that exist between the battles.  I want to be able to focus on the battles when they are before me and leave them on the field when the time for rest comes.  I do not want to be covered with the smell of fear.  I hate feeling fear more than just about anything.

I will be strong for him.  I will be faithful for Him.  I will not fear.  I have my sanity and His Salvation.  And a thousand other blessings………………………………..

 IMAG1712-2-1