life

Tears

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My little nieces came to visit this past weekend. They are wonderful little folks!

But, it is hard on me when they leave. I cry for an hour or so each time they pull out of the drive to go home.

This house is so painfully quiet most of the time. Our own children have been out and on their own for ten years already. He and I ramble around trying to keep up with things.

I miss my children. Yes, I miss the adult children they are now. But, I really miss my little ones. When they were babies and small children and even big children.

I tried to have special times with them every chance I got. I was selfish with them, too. I didn’t let the rest of the world have much of their time until they were too old for me to keep them close.

I suppose I knew even then these days would come. Days when those amazing grown-ups would call me Mother and I would look in wonder at the marvelous people who honor me with that title in their lives. I suppose I knew even then I would forever miss my little ones.

And so I cry because the little ones who come to visit me now will someday be grown-ups and I will miss their little selves.

Such is life. Hurling through time at the speed of love. Life is far too short to be in a hurry. My motto for many years. Better stop and experience this life at this moment. Don’t rush headlong into the future. It doesn’t exist. Only now is real. Only now fills the heart with love. Only now allows memories to build the beautiful life I so long for.

Let my eyes fill with tears and my heart ache only for a moment. Then let the memories sustain me until the next now happens. When I will not rush to do, but pause to be.

 

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Sinking In

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I am always reading self-improvement things.  Books, blogs, magazine articles, whatever.  Always seeking a magical answer.  The question isn’t really clear.  I cannot find a magical answer if I don’t know the magical question.

One concept I have often read about is breaking down the project into manageable tasks.  I am a very organized person.  I always think about projects and plan them in what I believe is the most sensible and efficient order.

Then, I begin said project.  I follow the plan.  The problem seems to be that I believe I can do more than I can do. I overextend myself.  I get halfway through and run out of time and/or energy.

I don’t know if I am just trying to do too much or if I am not planning a well as I think or what.  I just know I end up with a mess to clean up and a project not completed the way I imagined.  It is finally sinking in that I need to not only think of the project in steps, but I need to do the project in steps and stages.  Don’t try to change my entire world on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon.

The next chapter of this saga is about purpose.  I plan a project.  I think about the area I want to improve.  I set about the stages of the project.  I realize I am only trying to distract myself from something else.  I get bored because it is being done for the wrong reason.

If I have a project to complete, I don’t have to think about not achieving the real goals.  I can fool myself into thinking I am busy taking care of important issues.  But, only for a little while.

Suddenly, the curtain is drawn back and the truth comes out.  The great Oz is a fraud and a fake.  The truth is in the ruby slippers always with me.  Just get on with it.  The way is there.  Stop following someone else’s yellow brick road and get back to home base.  Get centered and grounded and back on the real track.

I have set myself a task and a deadline to meet it.  He is backing me 100%.  He is my partner in this life and my champion, too.  Together, we will get me where I need to be.  Following my own brick road.  Not the yellow one.

It is finally sinking in.  I must be true to myself.  I must follow my own path.  I must stop trying to take part in things I care nothing about.  Most of all, I must stop running away from my destiny.  The line in a movie that haunts me and my son:  find and fulfill your destiny.  Perhaps, it isn’t so hard to find after all.

Keep paying attention.  Keep listening to my instincts.  Keep battling the fear.  Keep pushing back the mindless distractions.  Keep pursuing life and destiny and love and truth.

 

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