I have heard a couple of songs on the radio recently. One is a current hit. One is from several years ago. The one from several years ago is about a woman questioning what she is doing with her life. I struggled with that for years. Why didn’t I finish college? What career path should I have taken?
I married early and had children. I had ill parents to tend. By the time, real opportunity came along for me to pursue something else, I didn’t have the resources to move on it. Resources aren’t just money. Time, energy, desire.
Perhaps it is the approach of middle age. Perhaps is it the imminent arrival of granddaughter number one and the fast approaching granddaughter number two. I am losing the sense of loss over missed opportunities.
The current song just made me recall my original dream. I don’t even know what about the song made me think what I did. All I ever wanted was to be a wife, mother and homemaker. I did all that along with a 9-5. My husband is my career and the 9-5 is a sideline.
I wouldn’t give myself a very good evaluation for my career performance right now. I have been sidetracked. I have this terrible weakness of allowing media-books, magazines, Pinterest-influence my decisions too greatly. I let the profit driven mass production world of commerce deceive me into thinking I am not in line with what is acceptable modern living. The problem develops because I cannot keep up with their standards and actually provide an appropriate lifestyle or living conditions for our real life household.
I am changing that already. I have made some decisions and some behavioral changes. I am having success with them. I feel better about a lot of things. My self-evaluation is having a positive effect of change.
Just be happy. He and his son have told me that. I am glad that line is sticking in my mind rather than the old one from a corny old movie. “Find and fulfil your destiny.” Nope. Create my destiny. Just be happy. Be wife. Be mama. Be granny. Be housekeeper. Be aunt. Be niece. Be cousin. Be sister. Be me.
I try very hard to not live in a fog. I see people so caught up in their own small issues or creating their own personal drama they don’t see life hurling past at the speed of light.
I do find myself in a fog more often than I would like. I was in one this evening. I walked through the park and said my prayers. It did not help much. I got home and made a mega list. It did not help much. I started on my house work. It did not help much. He arrived home and naturally saw I was not functioning properly. He took the time to listen and to talk me out of some of my fog.
Someone I love is having a health crisis. Two loved ones actually. It would seem something like that would clear my brain. But, it makes me pause. I am reminded of my own mortality and the limits of my physical body. I am anxious to make my time count. Am I doing the right things each day? Is my life counting for something greater than my own melodrama?
Yes. I do the best I can with the tasks set before me. Whether at my 9 to 5, at home, at church, tagging along after him, participating in family events. But, still I feel I am missing something. What is causing that nagging feeling that I am missing some element in my life?
I don’t know. I am continually working on that problem. Every day some time is devoted to that very problem. It is the reason for the lists. It is the reason for the digital tape recorder I always have handy in case some thought arises while driving or when otherwise unable to write it down. It is the reason for walking as often as I can. It is the reason for this blog. It is the reason for my journal. It is the reason I go to the deer stand in the cold dark morning to sit alone in the woods.
Find and fulfil your destiny. My son and daughter seem to have worked it out. They have made their destiny. I know they aren’t continually satisfied and I know they have had heartbreaking decisions and choices to make and with which to cope. But, I believe they are mostly satisfied with the life they have and are creating for themselves. Fearless. Or at least saddling up anyway. They have taken life by the horns and made it what they want. He has blessed them with His protection and His healing and they have faith in Him.
He also has great faith. Without his faith and his prayers of faith, I would not be sane. I would have gone completely over the edge. I have been blessed because of him. He has time and again brought me out of the depth of despair with his courage and his strength. He lifts me up to Him. So many times have I let him know I was having problems at my 9 to 5 and he immediately prayed and He immediately answered, smoothing out the wrinkles in my emotions and often completely resolving the actual problems.
The fog still comes in at times. But, there is a strong light beyond burning through to reach my heart and mind. He and his Lord never give up on me. Even if I never find whatever I seek through the fog, I will always have their lights to guide me back into the clarity of love.
I am always reading self-improvement things. Books, blogs, magazine articles, whatever. Always seeking a magical answer. The question isn’t really clear. I cannot find a magical answer if I don’t know the magical question.
One concept I have often read about is breaking down the project into manageable tasks. I am a very organized person. I always think about projects and plan them in what I believe is the most sensible and efficient order.
Then, I begin said project. I follow the plan. The problem seems to be that I believe I can do more than I can do. I overextend myself. I get halfway through and run out of time and/or energy.
I don’t know if I am just trying to do too much or if I am not planning a well as I think or what. I just know I end up with a mess to clean up and a project not completed the way I imagined. It is finally sinking in that I need to not only think of the project in steps, but I need to do the project in steps and stages. Don’t try to change my entire world on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon.
The next chapter of this saga is about purpose. I plan a project. I think about the area I want to improve. I set about the stages of the project. I realize I am only trying to distract myself from something else. I get bored because it is being done for the wrong reason.
If I have a project to complete, I don’t have to think about not achieving the real goals. I can fool myself into thinking I am busy taking care of important issues. But, only for a little while.
Suddenly, the curtain is drawn back and the truth comes out. The great Oz is a fraud and a fake. The truth is in the ruby slippers always with me. Just get on with it. The way is there. Stop following someone else’s yellow brick road and get back to home base. Get centered and grounded and back on the real track.
I have set myself a task and a deadline to meet it. He is backing me 100%. He is my partner in this life and my champion, too. Together, we will get me where I need to be. Following my own brick road. Not the yellow one.
It is finally sinking in. I must be true to myself. I must follow my own path. I must stop trying to take part in things I care nothing about. Most of all, I must stop running away from my destiny. The line in a movie that haunts me and my son: find and fulfill your destiny. Perhaps, it isn’t so hard to find after all.
Keep paying attention. Keep listening to my instincts. Keep battling the fear. Keep pushing back the mindless distractions. Keep pursuing life and destiny and love and truth.