I know it is expected of me to write about the arrival of the California Dream. I don’t think I can do that here. I will break down in tears like I did the day she arrived. She was taking her sweet time and it pushed me over the edge to a spell in the hospital chapel crying and praying. Except now the tears would be bittersweet. Not knowing when I will touch her again is something I refuse to think about.
Our son’s grandmothers had the same dilemma. Our son was four weeks old when we left for California. And we definitely didn’t know when we would see each other again. Contact was a 15 minute long-distance phone call on Sunday afternoon and “snail mail”. I still have the piles of letters my mother and I exchanged.
Things are different for our situation now. Nevertheless, the need to catch a plane to get to her causes my heart to ache.
I am still fatigued from the trip. The all-day travel to then from California. The comfortable yet strange bed. The time difference. The anticipation. The anxiety. The excitement. The anguish.
I take photos of the foothills behind her house. In between my turn to hold her, I would go out and look at the hills again. The ever changing light makes them look different constantly. They are like my lake with their continual cycle of lights and shadows playing across them. I will try to go back to the lake tomorrow. Time to start walking again. And I need to tell the ghosts who linger there in my memory about the little one I am loving for them and for me.
Sometimes I get really aggravated. Not about anything in particular. Just everything in general. The garbage service didn’t pick up my trash again. I don’t know why and he isn’t answering the phone. The rain storm caught me by surprise today and I got damp and chilled. I watched the weather and the storm that came was not predicted by the weather man I was watching. My shoulder is hurting for unknown reasons. Hurting a lot. My honey is going to be away for a few days coming up and I am going to miss him terribly. I still have too many unresolved projects cluttering up my house and yard and life. I can’t find a new pair of shoes that won’t hurt my foot and will look dressy enough for my taste.
See. Nothing major. Just a lot of little things piled up. When I see my list of complaints in black and white, they seem even more trivial. I have loved ones going through very serious health problems. I have friends in various personal crises. There are terrible things happening out in the world at large.
But, sometimes I still have to stop and acknowledge that I have aggravations piling up and getting in the way of joy and thanksgiving. Just because my problems aren’t huge and not really problems at all, I still have to deal with them. They are like the dripping faucet. Something that needs to be fixed. And next week will have another round of problems to deal with. It is called life.
The up side of things today includes the following: I have steaks marinating and potatoes baking. Yes, for Monday supper. I have a great porch to sit on and rest my achy body. I had a lot of hot water to take a shower and warm up and relieve some of my shoulder ache. My honey is home. He is going to help with the trash problem. I got to visit with my daughter and her feller yesterday. We had shrimp gumbo. I have a crochet project I am enjoying. I have an embroidery project I am enjoying. I have a book to read I am enjoying. I just heard that a dear friend got a cancer free report today.
So, I will be joyful and thankful and glad with life and the blessings generously given to me. The orchids are still raining down even when I am aggravated. All I have to do is stop grumbling long enough to notice. Out of the darkness of my thoughts and into the light…………………