Hope

Sinking In

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I am always reading self-improvement things.  Books, blogs, magazine articles, whatever.  Always seeking a magical answer.  The question isn’t really clear.  I cannot find a magical answer if I don’t know the magical question.

One concept I have often read about is breaking down the project into manageable tasks.  I am a very organized person.  I always think about projects and plan them in what I believe is the most sensible and efficient order.

Then, I begin said project.  I follow the plan.  The problem seems to be that I believe I can do more than I can do. I overextend myself.  I get halfway through and run out of time and/or energy.

I don’t know if I am just trying to do too much or if I am not planning a well as I think or what.  I just know I end up with a mess to clean up and a project not completed the way I imagined.  It is finally sinking in that I need to not only think of the project in steps, but I need to do the project in steps and stages.  Don’t try to change my entire world on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon.

The next chapter of this saga is about purpose.  I plan a project.  I think about the area I want to improve.  I set about the stages of the project.  I realize I am only trying to distract myself from something else.  I get bored because it is being done for the wrong reason.

If I have a project to complete, I don’t have to think about not achieving the real goals.  I can fool myself into thinking I am busy taking care of important issues.  But, only for a little while.

Suddenly, the curtain is drawn back and the truth comes out.  The great Oz is a fraud and a fake.  The truth is in the ruby slippers always with me.  Just get on with it.  The way is there.  Stop following someone else’s yellow brick road and get back to home base.  Get centered and grounded and back on the real track.

I have set myself a task and a deadline to meet it.  He is backing me 100%.  He is my partner in this life and my champion, too.  Together, we will get me where I need to be.  Following my own brick road.  Not the yellow one.

It is finally sinking in.  I must be true to myself.  I must follow my own path.  I must stop trying to take part in things I care nothing about.  Most of all, I must stop running away from my destiny.  The line in a movie that haunts me and my son:  find and fulfill your destiny.  Perhaps, it isn’t so hard to find after all.

Keep paying attention.  Keep listening to my instincts.  Keep battling the fear.  Keep pushing back the mindless distractions.  Keep pursuing life and destiny and love and truth.

 

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Risk

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Last evening, a phone call with devastating news nearly took me down.  Without discussing private family business, let me say, we will get through this together.

The journey will be difficult and tragic.  The outcome will not be joyful.  But, we will get through it together.

We have weathered severe circumstances before and come out the other side damaged but afloat.  We will do so again.

He called me several times today.  My Monday morning at the 9-5 was spent battling a weak computer and a new payroll system.  Tears of frustration and tears of panicked grief from the news of the phone call last night alternated for a few hours.  Finally, I got my feet under me.  A large part of my recovery was because he called.  He called again.  And again, he called.

I realized the reason later as I sat in my car for my lunch break, breathing in fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin.  So many times over our many years together, he has seen me crater.  He has seen me fall apart at the seams.  He has seen me implode.

Sometimes the process is slow and not so noticeable. But, in recent years, he has figured out how to handle me.  He has figured out what to do and what to say to keep me from going under with the weight of grief.  Goodness knows we have had our share.  During one call he simple told me that I can’t stop what is happening.  There is no purpose in letting myself fall.  I said I have to feel the pain.  He said yes, but I don’t have to get lost in it.  Not in those exact words.  But that was the message.

Such is the risk of love.  When the heart is allowed to love another and that other is in peril, the heart breaks.  But, the mind and the spirit does not have to break along with it.  A peaceful mind and a brave spirit will pull the broken heart up and lay it in the Light of the Son for His Healing.  Time is a joker.  Only Love truly heals.

May we have Mercy and Grace in the days to come.

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