love

Orchid Petals

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I have noticed a change.  I am sure it has been occurring more and more in recent years.  But, I realized it this  morning.

As is common with children as they become teenagers and young adults learning to use their wings, mine would sometimes respond to unsolicited advice with a less than positive attitude.  “Mom, I’ve got this.”

I had the privilege of spending time with our daughter at her first full dress rehearsal as a theater teacher.  She had the parents of the middle schoolers attend.  I spent time doing make up, encouraging quiet backstage, helping actors get to various places.  Afterward, as we were driving home, she and I chatted on the phone.  I suggested some things and she happily agreed.

Then, again this morning, I suggested another idea and she readily agreed.  I have a similar response from our son these days.  When I suggest some option to his situation, he doesn’t put me off.  He actually welcomes my input.  Whether they take my advice or not is irrelevant.  I just appreciate the chance to be part of their lives in a new dimension.

I remember when they were the ages of my great nieces.  At five, it’s just about playing and having fun.  At 20 months, it is just about playing and being cuddled.  I love being able to watch the older one change from toddler to girl and the younger from baby to toddler.  But, each changing stage is poignant.  Reminding me of time racing and lives changing.  Please slow down just for a minute or two each day old world.  My love is still pouring out for that little one of yesterday.

My mind goes back to a teenage boy I once knew.  He was new to town and his amber eyes melted my heart.  He was strong and stubborn.  Stronger and more stubborn than me.  Yet, his love for me was tender and passionate.  There is a man’s man in his place now.  Still strong and stubborn.  Gentler and more patient than the middle days. Nevertheless, he is not a bear I want to cross.  I am still amazed at how much he loves me.

Our life together is the best part of me.  I told someone recently, my life mainly consists of my 9 to 5, a little housework, going to church and tagging along after him.  Tagging along is the best part of my life.  I love to tag along with him and with our children. You should see the path of orchid petals they leave behind for me to enjoy!

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Foggy Living

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I try very hard to not live in a fog. I see people so caught up in their own small issues or creating their own personal drama they don’t see life hurling past at the speed of light.

I do find myself in a fog more often than I would like. I was in one this evening. I walked through the park and said my prayers. It did not help much. I got home and made a mega list. It did not help much. I started on my house work. It did not help much. He arrived home and naturally saw I was not functioning properly. He took the time to listen and to talk me out of some of my fog.

Someone I love is having a health crisis. Two loved ones actually. It would seem something like that would clear my brain. But, it makes me pause. I am reminded of my own mortality and the limits of my physical body. I am anxious to make my time count. Am I doing the right things each day? Is my life counting for something greater than my own melodrama?

Yes. I do the best I can with the tasks set before me. Whether at my 9 to 5, at home, at church, tagging along after him, participating in family events. But, still I feel I am missing something. What is causing that nagging feeling that I am missing some element in my life?

I don’t know. I am continually working on that problem. Every day some time is devoted to that very problem. It is the reason for the lists. It is the reason for the digital tape recorder I always have handy in case some thought arises while driving or when otherwise unable to write it down. It is the reason for walking as often as I can. It is the reason for this blog. It is the reason for my journal. It is the reason I go to the deer stand in the cold dark morning to sit alone in the woods.

Find and fulfil your destiny. My son and daughter seem to have worked it out. They have made their destiny. I know they aren’t continually satisfied and I know they have had heartbreaking decisions and choices to make and with which to cope. But, I believe they are mostly satisfied with the life they have and are creating for themselves. Fearless. Or at least saddling up anyway. They have taken life by the horns and made it what they want. He has blessed them with His protection and His healing and they have faith in Him.

He also has great faith. Without his faith and his prayers of faith, I would not be sane. I would have gone completely over the edge. I have been blessed because of him. He has time and again brought me out of the depth of despair with his courage and his strength. He lifts me up to Him. So many times have I let him know I was having problems at my 9 to 5 and he immediately prayed and He immediately answered, smoothing out the wrinkles in my emotions and often completely resolving the actual problems.

The fog still comes in at times. But, there is a strong light beyond burning through to reach my heart and mind. He and his Lord never give up on me. Even if I never find whatever I seek through the fog, I will always have their lights to guide me back into the clarity of love.