Has another Christmas leaped through my life? How fast it went! I have started this year full of optimism. Unusual for me to be in this place at this time of the year. The darkness of the winter days hasn’t overtaken my mood.
Perhaps, it won’t do so at all this year. I have been resigned to coping with the low moods all my adult life. And yet there is always a part of me that believes it doesn’t have to be so. If I claim I have a choice in how I feel and how I behave, then I must believe it and so prove it to myself.
I don’t have any resolutions for this year. I have my continuing path of proving myself able to be better at each turn.
One thing I once believed has changed. I used to believe I was strong and able to withstand pain. I failed at withstanding. I became crushed in so many places. Then, I believed I could never heal. After a while, I decided I could heal, but the crushed places would ever be fragile. Time never made a difference in the process. Just lately, over the past year or two, I discovered something has been healing my broken places. Love. Just love. Several girls have come into my life over the past few years. First, my brother’s granddaughters brought a window of hope. Now, my own granddaughters have broken down walls.
I think about my own grandmothers. I remember how important they are to me even now so many years after they left this life. My aunts continue to impact my life. If I can matter to any of these girls half as much as those women matter to me, I will be loved more than I deserve.
I wonder how things will be between all these little girls as we grow to know each other. And I look so very forward to the love that grows between us.
Happy 2018! Happy Life! Happy Love!
P.S. He continues to lift me up to Him. His continued prayers for me and support of my off-beat self has no doubt had a larger impact on my current state of being than I will know in this life. My love always loves me. And besides………..he needs my love to keep him warm!
Once again I am late writing. I wonder why I forgot this evening. I noted it this morning on my list. The list I didn’t get to after I got home from work.
Lists. Obsessive compulsive list making. My son has it, too. I like making lists. I write them, organize them. Rewrite them. I am afraid to toss some of them. Grocery lists and simple chore lists are easy to toss. But, some lists. They reveal my dreams and goals and fears.
With the new year approaching, it is time for another review of my progress. How am I doing at becoming a better human being? Am I gaining ground? Sometimes it seems as if I am fighting a losing battle. Perhaps no battle is really lost until it ends. I have not stopped fighting.
I had several things preoccupying my mind at work today. He had a doctor’s appointment and I was a little concerned about the issue. Thanks to Him, all is just fine. I have some deadlines for projects looming and am scrambling to get them done and keep up with the daily issues.
But, after work, my real concern was getting some supper cooked. I wanted to make him cheeseburgers. I did. Toasted buns, our favorite steak seasoning on the meat, homemade dill pickles, Velvetta cheese. I don’t even know if he liked them. He didn’t say. But, I enjoyed making them for him.
I like for him to tell me when I please him, even though I only half believe him. I accuse him of just being polite. Yes. He can be very polite to me. But, sometimes…………….
I am better in many ways. My grief is improving. I did have a few days of feeling like doom was impending. But, it seems to have passed. I think my house is fairly organized. I am getting the essentials done in a timely fashion. Things don’t pile up as much.
The new year approaches. Yes. I will have some goals. Nothing new. Just continuing to improve to a new level of performance. Becoming a better being. I hope.