The air has changed. Even if we have more cold temperatures, spring is upon us. Green buds peek from tips of limbs. Weeds are more than ankle deep. Bird songs have changed. He heard geese traveling north the other evening.
I am restless with the changing season. Wanting a change. Not knowing what to change. I am ready to get my plants off the porch. Ready to rearrange the furniture for the changing light. The daybed is in one corner for winter sun and will be moved to another corner for summer shade.
The azaleas should be in bloom within a week. Already the redbuds bring vibrant hope. I love every season in its turn. I celebrate the fading of one and the coming of another.
The transitions remind me of the ever-turning pages of time. I am reminded to seize this moment and be joyous at the life pulsing through my veins.
The difficulties we face today will be overcome and become distant memories. I know this because it has happened before. We have faced difficulties and with His Help, we have overcome them in the past. There are some things that happen which must be endured until the end of life. Most things pass.
Challenges are to be faced. I may have moments of weakness and feel overwhelmed with fear. But, I must not give in to the fear. I must stand and face the lions in the den. Fear leads to confusion and poor or delayed decisions. Fear leads to despair. Fear leads to bitterness and anger.
I watched a movie once. I have it on DVD. I cannot bear to watch it again. I love it, but it is emotionally taxing. What I learned from the movie is simply to feel the cold and not fear it. Feel the pain. Feel the heartbreak. Feel the feelings. Do not fear them. I don’t know if I would see all of that if I watched it again. I doubt anyone else would find that message in the movie 300.
It corresponds with my Grandmother telling me about childbirth to let go and let it hurt. I had both of my children without pain medication. It was not easy to let go and let it hurt. But, it was worth it.
The current challenges I face will pass. I have a choice. I can face them with good humor and a smile or I can make myself miserable along with everyone around me. No matter the outcome of the situation, I have a choice about what I think and what I allow myself to feel.
I want to get through this happy and laughing at the moments that exist between the battles. I want to be able to focus on the battles when they are before me and leave them on the field when the time for rest comes. I do not want to be covered with the smell of fear. I hate feeling fear more than just about anything.
I will be strong for him. I will be faithful for Him. I will not fear. I have my sanity and His Salvation. And a thousand other blessings………………………………..
I got to see the nieces this weekend. One was celebrating her fourth birthday. I did manage to catch her for a split second two or three times to steal a hug and kiss. The other delight was napping when I got there. I had to wait till Sleeping Beauty arose to get my hands on her. And, no, I did not put her down or share her with her other relations. I had a couple of hours to get a month’s worth of snuggles from the happiest baby on earth. She is quieter and happier than my daughter was at that age. That is saying volumes. Her great-gran and I decided she knew before she was born how loud the other household members are and figured quiet patience was going to be the best course of action!
I stopped by the hospital to see my cousin. She harangued again about my writing a book. (I hope she never stops!) I don’t have a story to tell. Well, I don’t know if I do or not. Certainly, I don’t envision my writing fictional work. I hardly read fiction. A good real life adventure story appeals to me vastly more than an imagined and improbable made up story. Although, I have read some fiction recently. I have a couple of new novels awaiting a lazy afternoon and a short wish list of a few more titles. Perhaps allowing myself to relax into such leisure will inspire me to put pen to paper and work out the anecdotes in my memory and notions floating in my mind.
One real reason I put off writing is the same reason I put off reading novels and watching movies. I don’t want my tender heart to ache from things not really happening. I fear writing will bring out all the carefully stored pain from the grief of losing my loved ones. Things from the past. Things not happening now. I despise feeling fear. I know I will eventually face the fear and beat it back into the hell from which it creeps. I will write the heart ache onto paper and if the tears don’t blur the ink too greatly, I will attempt to share it with the world. If the Lord allows.
Love is the only thing that heals all things. Time is given credit for love’s work. Time means nothing to some wounds. Time only passes. Love is the true healer. After the passage of time, love comes stealing into a wounded heart. Someone to love still holds fast. Someone new to love enters the scene. The wound is knit together with the bond of lasting love or a new love. Love is not only for lovers. It is for mothers and fathers, sons, daughters, and grandparents, brothers and sisters, cousins, nephews and nieces, uncles and aunts, and for friends. Death, disease, divorce. Destruction comes. But, love is greater. Love is the eternal choice.
Let me have a few someones to love, always. A baby in the mix is pure magic. But, I will take a near half century old feller who has held fast to me these many years for the daily dose of everyday magic. Love is what he and I have chosen for each other. The fear will be faced and the stories written with his courage and His peace to shore me up against the tears. Love is greater.